Jerk Alert

Ok... So the giggling idiot rears her ugly head once again. He came into work again- and darn him for just being a stupid handsome face cutie pants! Ugh!!! Life would be so much easier if he acted indifferent to me every time (like his last visit) instead of letting his whole face light up- like seeing me just made his day. damhimdamhimdamhimdamhimdamhim. With guys who are mean- I know where I stand with them- but the nice ones? they make me think- and we all know that thinking is dangerous.

I have been grinning like an empty headed jack o lantern for two days. It's time to talk myself down out of the tree. When I got home last night- my aunt noticed my unusual giddiness (no one should be allowed to be that chipper after working a 12 hour shift) so she asked what my deal was. After I briefly explained, she asked, "Well, did you make a move?"

HA! The woman obviously doesn't know me very well. I don't make the move. Ever. I just stand and stare awkwardly and hope that someone else does something to relieve the tension. This has thrown me into one of my philosophical moods. Why don't I make the moves? It's the 21st century. It's not unheard of... right? Nope. There are three reasons, three very good reasons why I don't make the moves.

Every time I've ever asked a guy out:

• He says no right away
• He cancels on me before the date
• IF the date happens, it turns out to be a freaking disaster.

Examples:

My very first date- I was 19. I hosted a Murder Mystery party. I had a crush on this guy at church. I invited him to be my date. My best friends were coming as well- so I had good moral support. He finally said yes, but kept changing his schedule- hind sight now tells me that he was trying to get out of it, but optimistic, innocent me kept rearranging the date of the party to fit his schedule. Finally the day of the party arrived, all the guests came in their costumes. He didn't put much effort into his costume- he was supposed to be an old western town doctor. He just showed up in his church clothes with a black briefcase. Lame. Anyway, he participated only minimally in the party. He spent the entire party talking about this other girl at church, and even left the part early to go over to her house. Seriously. He just left. We were all sitting there in our costumes, eating dessert and he left. They stayed for a few more hours- but he left. Not the best experience of a first date. Jerk.

When living in Provo I had and even BIGGER crush on a guy from school (ironically, both of these guys' names were Paul). We flirted like crazy!! we had a class together and we usually just sat in the back and giggled the whole time. Man oh man ,I liked him. He'd ask me to dance at institute dances, we'd sit by each other in meetings... sigh... I'm not gonna lie- I still harbor a crush on this guy and it's been like, 12 years. Anyway, my roommates finally got my courage up to where I could call and ask him out. We had plans to go to a comedy club. That's fun and not at all threatening, right? Anyway, I called, asked him out and he said yes. I was elated!!! He said YES!!! It was still a few days away though and one day after work, I came home to the dreaded message on my voicemail (this was back before I had a cell phone  and people used home phones with voicemail [that's a nice story, grandma]). He cancelled on me. I don't remember the message he left- probably blocked from my memory- but he cancelled. Fine. It wasn't the end of the world, right? I remember he had what seemed a legitimate excuse. Later that day I had a meeting at the church- I knew he'd be there and indeed he was. In fact- as I was walking down the hall- he was walking toward me- and made a fast shuffle and pushed his friend out of the way so he could dart down another hallway to avoid me. He never talked to me again after that. Sigh... Jerk.

The other one that pops to mind is the kid who lived in the apartment above mine when I lived in Provo. I think his name was Mike. Anyway, we were chatting one night- about life in general. He was just a friend. Not at all someone I would have thought to date. But we made plans to go see a movie- and of course, next day he called and left a message that he couldn't go- and again, he never talked to me again. Jerk.

There was even one in high school- I didn't even ask him out- but he found I was going to ask him out- and never spoke to me again. Jerk.

Oh!!! And then there was the time in Denver I asked my super mega crush out and he showed up on the date... with a date. Yeah, that wasn't at all awkward. He wins the Super jerk award.

So you see- it never really works out for me to do the asking. If they want to hang out with me- they'll make the effort, right? I'm still trying to get brave enough to ask this guy's name. There is no way I'm asking him out. How freaking terrifying is that? Augh!!!