Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Decisions Decisions

Every once in a while I seem to be overwhelmed with the decisions I have to make. I am once again at the Gates of Decision trying to decide what to do with my life. Here are some of the quagmires I seem to be stuck in:

  • Do I want to leave a secure job that I suck at and really don't like- to look for something in these rather questionable and economically perilous time? I work decent hours. The people I work with are generally fun people- BUT I am crap at the job. It's been two years and I'm still in the entry level position. I can't get promoted until I am better... I don't get better because I. Don't. Care.
  • What kind of job? There's not much in the way of media/editing so do I get a teaching certificate and do something that I really don't want to do- but the hours are excellent? I've never really thought of myself as a teacher. I'm not a fan other other people's children. I don't like the attitudes and I think I play favorites too much to be a fair teacher. BUT I would make better money than I am now- I'd have weekends holidays and summers off.
  • Do I want to stay in Colorado? Yes, I love it here- but if I can't find the job I want, what exactly is keeping me here? I'm sure I could make friends and be rejected by men no matter where in the country I am. Do I really need to limit myself to Colorado?
  • If I stay in Colorado, do I make the commitment of buying a house? My realtor told me that with some program or other that I'm dealing with that I have to live in the house for three years before I can move. So do I make a three year commitment?
  • Or- do I continue to rent but get a much needed car before my beloved Kermit gives up the ghost? I love my car and don't want to think about such morbid things- but facing facts, Kermie isn't getting any less miles on him and that sound isn't going to stop by itself and I can't afford to keep pumping money into his doctor bills.
  • If I decide to buy a house, where do I want to live?
  • Am I willing to extend my commute or do I move closer to my current job? Remember, I don't like that job and don't plan on being there forever- so would moving closer really be beneficial? I love the town that it's in though- and the fact that people there are generally normal and I would feel safe there- the kind of place I would want my Mom to visit me in.
  • Am I really wanting to move closer to my work- or closer to the person who I am having a really hard time getting over- secretly hoping that if I am geographically closer we can rekindle what was lost last year. Scoff if you must- be he really is the only man on this planet who has ever made me feel beautiful and a girl has a hard time forgetting stuff like that no matter how much of a dinkus he really is.
  • Why am I being so stupid about someone who obviously doesn't want me? Why do I dream about him every night and wish that things would have turned out differently- or at least had some semblance of closure? Does he ever even think about me or was I just a convenience? Does his daughter- who I love so incredibly much- ever think about me or ask about me?
  • If I do move out, do I buy a place that costs a little more but requires me to find a roommate- or do I buy a smaller place where I can live alone? The latter is the most appealing...
  • If I live alone, do I do the cheap thing and get hand-me-down furniture- or do I go to the furniture store and get the beautiful living room set that I'm in love with so that I don't feel like I'm living in a trash bin, but in a place that's truly mine?
  • Can I really afford this or am I going in way too over my head? Is it my pride? What is compelling me to make this purchase?
  • Am I ready to take on that kind of responsibility? What if something goes wrong? will I know what to do?
  • Would I like living alone or would I get lonely?
  • If miracles happen and I meet someone and things go the eternal route- will it be bad for me to have lived on my own and be too particular about the way I have things- my space and my noise level tolerance? Would it just be better for me to live among others?
  • Should I scrap all of this and move closer to home? I would love to be near my family- but honestly, Idaho is a horrible place to live as a single Mormon over 25.
You see? My mind is going so many different directions it's hard to make any decisions. So instead I just crack open a book with no intellectual value and pretend it's all gone away.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Bitter Harpy at her best

I was all excited and motivated to hop on here and write this lovely happy post about how wonderfully things have been going- and how much I love the new Harry Potter movie. I went to the midnight showing last night (this morning) and laughed, cried, cringed and giggled. There were a few things that were left out that I was disappointed to see go- but all in all, I think it worked. By this time in the books there are so many plot lines going on that it's impossible for movie makers to include them all in a movie that's not 36 hours long. I was a little disappointed that some of the Pensieve memories were gone- most of them, actually. And the way Harry and Ginny got together was kind of lame... but whatever. And the absence of the final battle made me sad too... but I see why they did it. So all in all, I really liked it. It was fun to be in the theater with all the people who were just as- if not more- excited as me.

But here's where the bitter rant comes in. I just got a text from my would-be rebound crush asking me how I liked the movie. We chatted via text for a while till I got out of him that he went and saw it tonight by himself. I'm all for going to movies by myself- but a big one like this is funner when you have someone to talk about it with (I speak from experience because I went to Order of the Phoenix by myself). So I told him he should have called, I would totally have gone to see it again (there's nothing threatening in that, is there?). In not so many words he said that it was too much hassle to go with someone unless it was the right person... Ok... So I'm too much of a hassle.

Maybe I'm really blowing this out of context- but I'm so SICK and tired of guys making me feel like I'm not good enough. If it's not him telling me I'm too much of a hassle to hang out with, then it's my supposed "best friend" telling me, "Gosh, I wish I could take your personality and put it in ________'s body." Well, I'm SORRY that the body that comes with this personality isn't to your (or any guys) liking. Or then there was the classic, "Heather, you're the kind of girl guys are friends with, not the kind they date." Ohhh... that's the way to make a girl's heart melt. Let her know right to her face that no man on this planet would want her.

People tell me to be myself and act natural. Well, I am. I've always thought I never got dates because of how I look... turns out it's my personality too. I was told a month or so ago that I'm a lot to take- that I'm very hard to get used to. Great. So not only am I an eyesore- I'm a witch (and not the pink pretty kind that floats around in bubbles). I don't know why I even bother some days... any days really. And people wonder why I cling so much to fiction. Because even in fiction the ordinary girl has a chance. That's why I read- and write- so much. This world sucks and when I read I can escape it. I could really use an escape right now.

If only I could apparate.