I have been accused several times of having the attitude that I'm better than everyone and that I think I'm perfect. One of these days perhaps I'll actually learn from that. I guess if more than one person says it, it must be true.
The last few months I will admit I've been a real bitch. There is just no other way to say it. I'm angry. I have so much anger pent up inside of me that I don't know what to do with it. I'm angry with stuff at work. I'm angry with stuff at home. I'm angry with life in general and apparently I'm not as good at keeping to myself as I thought- and yet I feel like my true feelings aren't being expressed.
And then there is the fact that I think I'm hilarious. Apparently other people don't feel the same way. What I thought was a brain stretching debate with a friend- he saw as my absolute inability to admit I was wrong. I knew he was right from the very beginning of the conversation, but I thought it was fun to try to get him to see my side of the argument. He didn't. But not only in that situation, I guess my humor is ill placed at times and things I see as witty, clever comments others perceive as insults.
Oh Lord, I've turned into my father! AUGH!!!! (Hi dad!)
What I saw as concern for a friend, was taken as me being intrusive and nosey. I just can't win. True, I have said some things that were out of line- but I guess I hope people will tell me when I'm being a jerk so I can stop- otherwise I don't know and I keep doing it. I usually tell people when they're bugging me- so I assume others will return the favor. I guess not.
Anyway, today was a huge lesson in humility. I know I'm not perfect. I'm so far from it that I can't even see it. But I guess my false confidence doesn't strike people the way I think it should.
I always have to wonder- is that what I'm putting out there? Is that why I'm pathetic, alone and friendless? Probably.
So to those whom I have offended- here is a very impersonal apology. I probably don't realize I've offended you. But seriously, you *have* to tell me when things aren't funny, or when they're hurtful because I probably don't know. I will try to be more aware in the future- and perhaps my snark and sarcasm should take a vacation. I'm old and set in my ways so it's not going to be easy. Please be patient with me and just know that I am *fully* aware of the fact that I am not perfect.
2 comments:
Heather,
You are, and always have been, the perfect friend to me. In all the world, who showed up out of the blue just to support me at my Grandma's funeral? You. Who lifts my (and my kids') spirit with a fun ginger house every year? You. You are kind, have a wonderful sense of humor, and you're selfless when you see a friend in need. IF that's not as close to perfection as is possible on this earth, I don't know what is. Be kind to yourself. You are loved.
Good gravy we are so much alike. I kid you not I have been struggling with the exact same issue! I've been mulling it over and trying to think of a way that I can still keep my character, yet be more patient or WHATEVER it is that I need to stop getting awful reactions. My boss even told me I have some sort of internal hatred for mankind. That one hurt. I feel as though I'm not portraying myself how I am if that's how he feels. I mean, if people only knew that behind this sarcasm and temper was a person who truly treasured relationships and friendships to the nth degree, I don't think they would think that I was so vehement and bitter. I still have a hard time believing that's the vibe I'm giving off, but I guess if that's what I'm told then it must be true. Expect a very similar post sometime soon. :)
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