Friday, May 29, 2009


You know, I've spent a majority of my life trying to stay away from unhealthy addictions (is there such thing as a healthy one?) but I still find myself addicted to certain- useless things.

  • Minesweeper (I haven't played in like, a week though- so maybe it doesn't really count)
  • F*R*I*E*N*D*S - there isn't a moment in life that doesn't refer back to the show. I should know. I've watched every episode of ever season several times... I'm on Season 3 again.
  • Reading. It is rare to find me without my nose in a book (unless I'm doing one of my other addictions)
  • Facebook. I check it no less that 82 times a day... since I can't check it at work, that's 82 times from when I get home to when I go to bed. That's a lot. (I may have exaggerated a tad on that one)
  • My celebrity crush- Rob Pattinson. I have never had a celebrity crush before where I actually paid attention to what he is up to... and it is the most useless of all my addictions. I admit- I check IMDB everyday to read the headlines of what shenanigans he's up to these days and look at the latest photos posted of the filming process for his most recent movies and get disappointed when he does something I think is stupid, then reprimand myself for A. caring at all what he does with his life and B. thinking that what I think would actually matter- seriously, it's an argument I have with myself at least twice a week. (and now I'm hanging my head in shame, but isn't it one of the steps to admit you have a problem???)
  • Plain M&M's. I just cant get enough, and like a fine wine, they seem to go with every meal. (right, because I know anything about fine wine... or cheap wine... or fermented grape juice... whatever)
  • Clothes. In the last couple of weeks I have single-handedly stimulated the entire US economy (though I did feel a little guilty and took some of it back yesterday)
  • Water. I love water. I drink about 14 gallons a day (another possible exaggeration)
  • Checking my email. Although- I think this stems more from being bored at work than actual addiction. I rarely get good mail. It's usually silly forwards or advertisements.

Monday, May 25, 2009


I have an addiction. It's totally ridiculous. Yesterday, I had every intention of getting things done but instead, I played Minesweeper for about 10 hours. I kid not. I have beaten the beginner and intermediate, but it is utterly impossible for me to beat the expert level. I can't even get close. sigh...

So, I've only been out of bed for like, 59 minutes and I'm already having a great day. I want it to continue to be a great day so I'm going to make a list of things that are going to make me happy today:
  • Sleeping in on a Monday
  • Eating leftovers for breakfast
  • Cleaning my room
  • Waking up motivated to clean my room
  • Having a laptop I can take from room to room and have Friends playing while I clean
  • The cloudy day that wont make me feel compelled to leave my cleaning to out go outside
  • Spring rain with my window open so I can smell it
  • Wearing clothes that I haven't worn in a long time- they not only fit- but they're comfy
  • Playing volleyball tonight
  • Spending moments here and there throughout the day remembering why I have a holiday to celebrate- and silently thanking all those who fought and died so that I could have the amazing blessings that I've been given. Thank you.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Taking a break from writing...

... to do some more writing. It's like a track star going for a jog just for fun. Only this isn't really burning any calories.

So. I've been working my tooshy off... typing my fingers to the bone... trying to make up for two and a half years worth of procrastination all in one week. Go me. It's been since I graduated that I've written anything- or even looked at the stories that I wrote back in yonder days. I'd decided that they were crap- with confirmation from a certain professor. Although the one professor whose opinion I truly trusted told me they were really good- but somehow the negative review stuck and the good one didn't. Weird how that works.

Well, after all this time, I have finally done something about it. I moved to Denver in order to have more opportunities for publishing. I'm sure this isn't the mecca for writers, but there's a lot more opportunity here than in poky ol' Poky. (not that I'm dissing home. I still love it... don't worry) I've been here two years and have done nothing to further my plight as an author. Well, die of shock, sports fans, I am meeting tomorrow with a literary agent! *GASP* I know!

I don't really know what to expect. I don't know if she's just going to look at my stuff and say "yes this is marketable" or "no, this is crap" or if she's going to take it and try to get it published for me- or if she's a self publisher- which I'm totally not in to- I don't believe in self publishing. I just don't know. So cross your fingers, arms legs and eyes that things will go well tomorrow and if nothing else, that she doesn't think that the one thing I've wanted to do my entire life- and spent tens of thousands of dollars learning to do better- is worthless.

If nothing else comes from this experience, I've learned that I like my writing. It'd been so long since I've read my own stories I'd forgotten a lot of it. They're not as bad as I thought. In fact, I laughed out loud a lot of times- and even got giggly during the very brief romantic part. So even if she says they're totally worthless, - which I wont lie- will really hurt- at least I've proved to myself that I am ok. I'm no JK Rowling, and I can't write characters that people will worship like Stephenie Meyer, but I'm OK. And for now- that will have to do.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Not The Mama!

First of all, before I get to the point I really want to make, I would like to wish all you wonderful mothers out there a very happy Mother’s Day. You do a lot of hard work and deserve the recognition of more than one day a year, but hey, I guess you take what you can get.

I love my mom. She’s done so much for me and has always been there even for the things that are really silly. I don’t know how the women survived before telephones because I call my mom so often for the silliest reasons. “Mom, how do you tell if ___ has gone bad? Will it make me sick?” “Mom, if I add this ingredient, what will it do to the recipe?” “Mom, my ___ looks like ___. What did I do wrong?” Even three states away she can still get me through most recipes and talk me out of kitchen disasters. She’s just so funny and always excited to hear from me. “Hey, babe! How are ya?” I can always guarantee that greeting when I call. I love my mom. I really missed her today. I watched a lot of the ladies in my ward sitting with their visiting daughters and a few sons. I wished I could have sat by my mom during church. Instead, I just sat there getting the message, Hey, no one wants you. You’re single and no one wants you. Did we tell you you’re single, no one wants you and you don’t have any children? It was great.

I’m sure church on Mother’s Day is wonderful for mothers. I sat in the congregation trying not to cry as I watched the little primary children singing “Mother I love you” and every song dedicated to mothers that was written for the Primary Children’s Songbook- knowing that I probably won’t ever get to be one of the mothers listening in the congregation. All the beautiful mothers sat and watched their little angels as they sang their hearts out to them. Even the older ladies who didn’t have their children there were smiling and happy, probably thinking of the days when their own children were so sweet and innocent, maybe missing their hoards of grandchildren.

Twice in church today Sherry Dew’s talk, “Are We Not All Mothers” was mentioned. It’s a great talk. As I sat and listened to her give it, I could not argue with one point she made. Yes, we as women have been given a special gift of being able to care for and nurture others. In that way, I guess we can be mothers. But you know- I’m just not. I’m not a mom. There is a difference between being a caregiver and being a mom. True, part of being a mom is being a caregiver and a nurturer but you can be a caregiver and not a mother.

I am not a mother. I don’t have a sweet little face kissing me goodnight as I tuck it in saying, “Goodnight, Mommy, I love you.” I don’t. You can become a mom in so many ways. You can do it the old fashioned give birth way (granted, I know this doesn’t MAKE a mom. There are a lot of people who have given birth who don’t constitute as “mom” so much as human incubator), you can adopt. I know lots of moms who have done that and have been able to bond with their children as if they were their own. And I think that is very admirable and kudos to those who do it. You can even marry into being a mom. I know people who have done that as well. Some succeed and some blow it which is totally sad. I myself had cause to contemplate the possibility of being a step mom at one time. I had never thought about it before. I had always figured I would do things the old fashioned way but… you know, maybe- just maybe I would end up being a step mom and I had to think about how I would handle that.

Anyway, in no way- according to these definitions, am I a mom. I’m all for honoring mothers. But wow, did I feel worthless today. It drove me absolutely crazy when people would tell me happy Mother’s Day. I just wanted to shout, I’M NOT A MOTHER! Then they would come back with, “didn’t you just listen to Sister Dew’s talk? We’re all mothers” Easy for you to say. You are a mother. Don’t try to tell a single person that has no prospects whatsoever and is probably never going to bear children that she is a mother. I can be a positive influence and a nurturer to all of God’s children. But I am not a mother. I don’t have anyone bringing me the marigold seed that they planted in a paper cup. I don’t have anyone clinging to my leg as I stand and talk too long after Relief Society. I don’t have anyone who cries as I leave them with their teacher at the nursery. And don’t call me a future mother because you just don’t know.

But to those of you who are true, legitimate mothers, Happy Mother’s Day!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Call it what it is

So, being new at this whole blogging thing, at first I thought the name Bitter Harpy Press would be really funny. Then as I thought about it, I thought, well, I don't want people to think that it's just a page of a crabby spinster ranting and raving so I changed the name to the more positive sounding "Creative Juices." Yeah, it just never sat right with me and i was trying to think of something else but I just keep going back to Bitter Harpy. You know why? Because that's who's writing it.

Don't get scared away because of it. As a bitter harpy I'm not always on the war path against the world. Sometimes I'm quite happy... in fact, right now, I'm terribly happy. I have had a heavy burden lifted from my shoulders and I feel light and wonderful!

I won't deny that sometimes you may come across a post that is sad, or even a little- dare I say- bitter. But it's not easy being single and Mormon. So it's something that I'll probably talk about. The beautiful thing is, you have the right not to read it.

Sometimes when I write in my journal I want to avoid the sad or angry things- so that someday if anyone reads it they wont know all the negative things about me. Well, I'm working on that. I'm trying to find out about myself and sometimes that includes bad days or broken hearts. I'm learning. I'm a work in progress (that was also an alternative name for my blog- but I still think I'll stick with Bitter Harpy)

Saturday, May 2, 2009

On a positive note

The other night something amazing happened. I was walking to a friends house in the dark. Suddenly I was overwhelmed by this amazing aroma. It was springtime flowers. I couldn't see them, it was too dark, but boy howdy, I could smell them. I just wanted to stand on this dark street and smell the flowers. It was such an unexpected treat. So I decided to make a list of things that come to mind right now (the list would be much longer and maybe someday I'll add to it) of things that make me smile without even trying:
  • Kites- flying them or passing a park and watching families fly them together
  • Random pictures of Rob Pattinson that just pop up unexpectedly
  • The end of a really, really good book- so good that I hug the book when I close it
  • Rewarding myself with cheesecake after I've put in one load of laundry
  • Spending time with friends I hardly ever get to see
  • Eating Cheerios with fresh strawberries
  • Any mention of Disneyland
  • Seeing that someone wrote on my Facebook wall
  • Rain- for several reasons, right now mostly because it means it isn't snowing
  • Emails from the library saying the book I ordered is in