Sunday, December 28, 2014

Facebook Status Highlights 2014


I have keys!!!

So all you local good deed doers who want to earn brownie points in heaven (and maybe some of my real brownies or cupcakes), I'm going to paint this week. Possibly Thursday, for sure Friday. It's not a huge job, but many hands make light work, ya know?

Just FYI- my sister Melanie has taken a turn for the worse- we're all heading home. If we don't answer your calls or texts please don't take it personally, we're dealing with this the best way we know how... And none of us knows how to deal with this.

I feel like I've been kissed by a Dementor.

No internet at my new house. This must be how the pioneers felt :-/


I love the sound of my taxes being filed. I feel a shopping spree coming on!

In the absence of tv channels I've been watching the seasons of Friends on DVD. I've decided I need a Monica in my life to unpack, clean and organize. Any volunteers?

Minor heart attack this morning when Candy Crush reset my game to level one... Crisis averted. You can breathe again.


I HAVE INTERNET!!! Welcome back to the 21st century!!

It's official. Home decorating is expensive and boring.

Les Mis at Hale. Freaking fantastic!!!

Prom dress shopping! 20 years late and not for me- but now I know what I was missing!

I dreamed last night I ran a marathon. I figured that was good enough for the day and skipped the gym.


I don't need to play pranks. My life is enough of a joke as it is. :-|

Started my day with no date. Ended my day with no date. Didn't ask anyone out, and yet still somehow feel rejected. How did that happen?

FYI about Captain America: they put a lot of fighting and explosions in it to make it seem like a movie for dudes, but with all that eye Candy- this one is for the ladies!

So I met someone today that reads my blog and I've never met her. She asked, "is it weird that you don't know me but I know all about you?" Ummm... A little- but that's the point of a public blog, I guess. Yay! I have a fan!

Came home early from work. If there's a funky smell coming from my apartment in the next three days, somebody call my mom.

Home sick today, so the big question of the day: what kind of marathon to have?

You know a kid is being raised correctly when you stop in on her while she's home from school- totally unsupervised- and she's watching Disney movies.

Sometimes I do dumb things... Like buy pianos.

No hot water? That means I can't do the dishes. What a shame... What's that ridiculously comfortable bed? You want me to come take a nap? If you insist...

Had a kid come up to me at work today. He asked for a dollar, called me a liar when I told him I didn't have money, and then stole my pen and ran away. I fear for our future.


So a guy at church today introduced himself and said he was from Albania. All I could think of was, "That's where Voldemort went into hiding." Looks like this afternoon calls for a Potter-thon!

I just tested my taser to see if needed to be recharged. I obviously don't play with it often because I held the wrong end when I tested it... It works

I dreamed last night I was spending a few months with friends in Paris for school. Then I woke up, already graduated, in Utah and alone.

The neighbors across the street have a bouncy castle and are blaring music so loud I can't hear my own tv. I'm torn between yelling at them to shut the heck up... And asking if I can have a turn.

Oh. My. Gosh! I just made the world's best batch of cookie dough! Seems a shame to ruin it by turning it into cookies. My coworkers better love me for this sacrifice!

The most shocking thing happened today! While running at the gym, I saw someone get hit by a car! I'll leave it to you to decide which was more shocking- the car thing or me at the gym.

I just went into a store called The Nerd Store and was thrown out for thinking Iron Man was better than Batman.

It's official. I paid for it. I'm guessing it will be the biggest waste of money in my whole life. But you never know till you try right? It's the most terrifying step I've ever taken! I may go throw up now.


It's a good thing the 4 year old knows how to work the electronics in this house.

Number one clue I'm not a mom? I still think tantrums are adorable.

Twice today I got, "how is it that you're still single?" Your guess is as good as mine, pal. Your guess is as good as mine. My guess is: like the sun, no one can be the presence of such awesomeness for so long without it having adverse effects on one's health. Yeah. That's probably it.

It's Friday the 13th. Full moon. And my neighbors have two black cats. Geez, it's a good thing I'm not superstitious.

I make the best chocolate chip cookie dough In. The. World. I'm not even going to feign humility. When you've got it, you've got it. And baby, I've got it.

Clearly Netflix and I need to spend more time together. The movies on my suggested list indicate they don't know me very well. That being said, as stupid as this movie is, now I have to finish it to see if the ending is as stupid as the beginning and the middle...

Sunday dinner fail: made this totally amazing dinner but snacked too much on watermelon and now I'm not hungry... It became an EPIC FAIL when the oven door closed on me and burned both arms. Owwee!!!

Hazards of living In the ghetto: no matter how much you scrub it still looks dirty.

Had the missionaries and my neighbor to dinner. No one died! Mission accomplished!

I fail to see how "ooey gooey, creepy crawly worms" is an inappropriate bedtime song.


I don't know the difference between the sounds of fireworks and gun shots. So either my neighborhood is feeling very festive, or there's a shoot out going on.

I went over 24 hours without speaking to anyone- including myself. And just as long without communications via technology. You're welcome world for the day off. Don't expect it to happen again.

So I thought I'd just wander over and check out my online profile (patooie) and see how things were going... I... I Heather Baker. Prude of all prudes... have bleep marks for expletives that have been filtered out! Bwahahahahaha!!!!!!!

Bagpipe music and men in kilts... I'm not even sorry for this sunburn. Totally worth it!

I just found ice cream in my freezer that I totally forgot was there. This day was just made that much better!

Six months ago this very minute I was holding my sister/best friend's hand as she took her last breath. This has been the hardest six months of my life. I miss her everyday. I miss her humor. I miss her advice. I miss her geekiness. She's completely irreplaceable. I'm learning a new normal, but life will never be the same.

I may or may not be having a karaoke party of one In my kitchen. Doing the dishes just got WAY more interesting. Apologies to my neighbors. I don't sing quietly.

Is complaining about seeds in your seedless watermelon considered a First World Problem?


Your love is better than chocolate... And boy, do I love chocolate!" A: who freaking says that? B: who freaking says that to a stranger? C: who freaking says that to a stranger in an electronic card?

LOTR weekend marathon commencing in 5...4...3...2... ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL!!!

Home is where the wifi connects automatically.

Happy back to school week everyone. I'll just be sitting at work... You know- not using algebra.


It's a sign you've seen a movie too many times when you fall asleep watching it, but the dream you're having *is* the movie and you see it all anyway.

Just saw the first spider in my apartment. Time to move.

Whichever one of you it was that suggest I watch "Call the Midwife", thank you.... I watched the whole series in two days and haven't cried this much since my sister died. (That "thank you" is both sarcastic and sincere.) I gave up on tissues and just used a dish cloth. Geez.

While having a dream about sleeping through my alarm, i was sleeping through my alarm. Which means i got ready for work in about five minutes. I look basiically the same as on a day i spend and hour getting ready. This is seriously causing me to question my life choices.


Thanks for all the birthday love! Despite California trying to kill me with 110 degree weather- it was a good day! Even a mediocre day at Disney is better than a great day in the real world

Sometimes I forget how good people can be. Thank you disney for bringing good people together!

All day I've been thinking about the new concoction I was going to create for dinner. It was super disgusting and a major disappointment -not to mention waste of resources. I mean, I ate it because I'm poor and can't just throw stuff away... But Bleh. THIS is why I don't try new things!!!

Sweatshirt: check. Capri yoga pants: check. Unshaved legs: check. Ballet flats: check. Someone's a little overdressed for Walmart

The downside? I only accomplished 32% of my to-do list. The upside? I finished reading a 400 page novel in one day

I rarely find myself busy... So this Halloween season I keep saying "yes" to all invitations, not remembering that I already have several obligations and goals. I'm so out of time and overbooked that the only possible solution is to read on the couch until I fall asleep.

I'm honestly not sure if I have everything under control- or of there is a ton of stuff I'm forgetting.


I'm cold. Fastest way to heat my house? Bake cookies!!

It finally happened. I've joined the shattered screen crowd

I lost my remote and because I live alone I don't have anyone to blame it on.

It was 4 degrees when I woke up in Nampa. Just returned to Salt Lake and a balmy 26 degrees. Why did I already put away my flip flops? This is beach weather!!

I met someone today who is a professional matchmaker. I honestly thought those only existed on tv shows and old musicals.


Do women actually pay guys to pretend to be their boyfriends to impress family at the holidays or have I been watching too many Hallmark movies?

I feel like it's too early for Christmas baking. Is it too early for Christmas baking? I don't want my stuff to get lost in the shuffle of everybody else's stuff, but I don't want it to be so far away from Christmas that everybody forgets how awesome I am... er...I mean how awesome my treats are.

Alright the decision has been made – Let the baking commence! Coworkers prepared to loosen thy belts. Friends who are not coworkers, we are currently hiring, inquire within.

So many baking fails tonight. I'm going to change my name and move to Antarctica where they only eat Popsicles and cold cucumber soup.

My light fixture just shattered all over my bed. I cleaned it up the best I could but can't use my vacuum at one a.m. because that's rude to my downstairs neighbor. So If I wake up looking like I spent a wild night with Edward Scissor Hands you'll understand why.

Are their career options for professional procrastinators? I should probably look into that… Maybe tomorrow.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Baker's Baking Fail and a Very Muppet Tale

Lately I feel like all my posts are just excuses. This is going to be the longest excuse ever as to why I haven't been blogging as frequently as I'd like.

This has been the longest week ever. Let's start at the very beginning. (I hear it's a very good place to start)

Last Saturday I went home early from work. I was sick. I was So. Sick. I felt like I'd been run over by a train, then a semi truck then a tricycle. I got off work at 4:30 and was home and in bed by 5:00. I slept for 17 hours, woke up and moved to the couch for another 14 hours then went back to bed for an additional 8.

I have a picture of how I looked at the end of all that... but the Internet is forever and I'm far too prideful to post that picture. Just take a cross between Eeyore and Medusa and you've just about got it right.

Once I got back to coherent livability, I realized that I had one day to make all my Christmas treats. I wanted to take them to work on Wednesday and I wouldn't have time on Tuesday. So around 5:00 in the evening I got started. Note for future reference: Make sure you have everything you need before you start a baking tirade. 

I got the brownies baked- no problem. Went to make the sugar cookies and realized I was pretty much out of sugar and flour. Ummm... those are kind of essential in cookies. So I made a quick run to the store and grabbed much more than I would need- but just to be safe.

I got home and mixed up my mom's recipe for sugar cookies. Now, I have helped my mom make sugar cookies 10,000 times during my lifetime. But I've only ever made the dough twice before and this was my first time without adult supervision. The dough turned out fine- but I rolled it waaaaay too thin so they turned out to be more sugar crisps than sugar cookies. That is... the ones that didn't break apart when I scooped them up. Sigh... fine. Enough of them stayed intact to carry on. 

Only after I baked them did I realize I didn't have the stuff I needed to make frosting D'oh! So... once again, back to the store I went. Sigh...

These are actually last year's cookies that I dropped on the way out the door. But take away the snowman Oreos and add Holiday Chocolate chip cookies and they're basically the same.

Moving on to the chocolate chip cookies. I have made these a hundred thousand times- half of those in this year alone. I follow the recipe that my mom has used all my life. I have since tweaked the recipe one teeny tiny bit though to make it a weensy bit better. Well, I don't know where my mind was- but I tweaked the recipe totally wrong. They turned out flat flat flat. They looked like a dog who'd been starved and you could see its ribs poking through. You could count the chocolate chips in every cookie. They were ugly! (incidentally, they tasted just fine and I took them to work on Tuesday and got a ton of compliments even though they were ugly, scrawny dog cookies)

While those were baking, I sat down to start decorating the sugar cookies. I also put the movie Babes in Toyland to play on my iPad while I worked. Apparently that's all the multitasking I could do because while singing along with the movie and icing cookies, I totally forgot there were still cookies in the oven. So I made a batch of chocolate chip charcoal briquettes. You'd think this was my first time in a kitchen. Geez.

After that I gave up for the day. I got off work at 10 pm on Tuesday and had to be back at 7 am on Wednesday- but I was determined to take pretty chocolate chip cookies. So I got home and whipped up another batch- this time using the correct recipe. While they baked I cut and decorated the brownies. I put the trays together and crashed sometime between midnight and one.

I love compliments. I'm so vain. I know. But I love it when people tell me how yummy my treats are. So I was happily receiving compliments all day for the treats I took to work. I had someone from corporate shadowing me for part of the day and it always seems that when I'm the busiest, the weirdest things come up. I was so discombobulated and kerbobbled I didn't know which end was up.

Thursday I was stupid and floopy for much different reasons that I don't want to talk about. I stayed an hour and a half past my shift because I had to finish my work newsletter. My sister was coming in to town a day earlier than I'd planned and my house looked like it'd been put through a blender. Seriously- frosting on the walls and everything. Luckily, my sister loves me no matter how messy my kitchen is. I had a Christmas party at church that night to go to, then I had to come home and meet my sister to let her in my house and then I totally ditched her and went to my book club where I learned that you should always ask your date his feelings about dinosaurs and the theory of evolution. Noted.

When I got home at one in the morning-, Kim had fallen asleep on the couch even though she usually sleeps in my room when she visits. I'd washed my sheets for her so I went in my room to make my bed and go to sleep. I got a little over exuberant with the quilt and somehow knocked the light fixture cover off the ceiling and it crashed and shattered on the bed. [facepalm] At one in the morning I couldn't get out my vacuum because that is rude to the people downstairs. So I cleaned it up the best I could with my hands (only one small slice in the finger) and a lint roller to get the shards.

In the morning I got out the vacuum to get any little bits I may have missed on the floor and my vacuum promptly sucked up a plastic headband that had been kicked under the bed and broke the vacuum. Gah!!!

My sister and I took our aunt to lunch and then we went shopping. If Kim could be a professional shopper, I think she would. She is the most talented marathon shopper I've ever met. I was done after the second store. That night we met up with my friends Ana and Christina and saw the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert. I was pretty excited to see Santino Fontana perform... you know, the voice of Prince Hans. But to be perfectly honest, I was so ridiculously excited to see the Sesame Street Muppets. 


I have never denied that I am just an overgrown five year old. I may or may not have cried when Big Bird walked out on the stage. And I giggled every time Grover was part of the show. Aside from Kermit the Frog, Grover Monster is my favorite Muppet. The Monster at the End of This Book is my all time favorite kids book. The highlight of the night though was the Count and the Organist doing the 12 days of Christmas. I can't even explain it... when it comes out on video... just watch it. It was fantastic!

Saturday I sent my sister home and spent the day procrastinating doing my lesson for Relief Society. I've known for two months that it was my weekend to teach and yet still had never even cracked open the book to see the topic. I just kept finding reasons not to. Finally when I did... ya wanna know the topic? Personal Responsibility and Self Reliance. Yeah... holding yourself accountable for being a crap-head procrastinator. 

But- the lesson went well. There was lots of participation and I came home and crashed in front of a Hobbit marathon. I'd say tomorrow is another crash day- but I only have two days to prepare for Christmas because I work all the rest of them.

Oh heaven help me.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Gingerbread 2014

Thar be Christmas going on at the Baker household!  It always kicks off with the making of the gingerbread houses! There is a rumor going around that this tradition should stop. To that, I give a resounding NAY! NO! Some traditions can be flouted- not that one!

Look at all these happy faces.

Jessica and Miss P

Sadie (if that's not happy, I don't know what is)

Valeri and Mr D

Michelle and her winter wonderland

Shea's hand piped creation

And then there's Kim...

...and her fancy penguins

I'm not sure who invited these two yahoos... who are they? do you recognize them?

I told everyone that they HAD to pose with their houses for the blog. Being the writer of said blog, I am immune to my own rules. :) This was one of my houses.

And this was the other one. 

My mom had one too- but somehow I made it home without a picture of that one. :( sorry, Mommy.