Thursday, February 24, 2011

Move Over, Heath Ledger. There's a New Joker in Town

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Little old lady.

Little old lady, who?

I didn't know you could *yodel*


What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.


How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a nut.


One day, Kermit the Frog walked into a bank. He walked up to a woman sitting at her desk. The name plate said, 'Patricia Wakk."
"Can I help you, sir," Patricia asked.
"I am finally proposing to Miss Piggy," Kermit said, "and I would like to borrow some money to get her the ring she deserves."
After sitting down and going over Kermit's finances, Patricia told him, "In order for us to lend you some money, we are going to need some collateral."
So Kermit went home and looked around for something valuable. He returned to the bank and found the bank manager standing with Patricia at her desk.  He presented her with a snow globe and asked, "Will this do as collateral?"
Patricia stared at the little item and asked, "What the heck is that?"
To this, the bank manager piped up saying, "It's a knick knack Patty Wakk. Give the Frog a loan."

(get it? bwahahahaha)


Three men were playing golf.  The first man, Moses, drives his ball into the water. No problem, he just parts the water, and plays on through. The second man, Jesus, also drives his ball into the water. It's not a big deal, he just walks out on the water and plays on through. The third man hits the ball, and it too goes toward the water. Before it can make a splash though, a fish leaps out of the water and swallows the ball. Moments later, a bird dives from the sky and swallows the fish and flies away. The bird doesn't get far when suddenly it falls from the sky and lands dead on the putting green. As it hits the ground, the golf ball pops out of it's mouth and rolls till it tips into the hole. Moses turned to Jesus and whispered, "Man, I *hate* it when your Dad plays."


Three men were sitting on the scaffolding of a construction site having their lunch. The first man opens his lunch box and has a peanut butter sandwich. "Oh my gosh!" he exclaimed, "I have this everyday! If I have to eat a peanut butter sandwich one more time I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself."
The second man opened his lunch box and there was ham and cheese on rye. "Ugh!" he grimaced, "I have this same thing for lunch every day! If I have to eat ham and cheese on rye once more I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!"
The third man opened his and saw a tuna sandwich. "Eeew!" he shouted. "Everyday I eat the same thing. If I have to eat another tuna sandwich I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself."

The next day the three men sat down again for lunch. The first man opened his lunch and there was a peanut butter sandwich, so he jumped from the building and killed himself.
The second man opened his and saw ham and cheese on rye so he leaped from the building and killed himself.
The third man opened his box and sure enough, there was a tuna sandwich. So he jumped from the building and killed himself.

Days later at the joint funeral, the three widows were standing together talking. The wife of the first man had tears in her eyes and she sobbed, "If only I'd given him left overs, I'd still have him with me."
The wife of the second man, cried into a tissue and said, "If I'd given him turkey instead of ham and cheese he'd still be with me today."
The wife of the third man said into her handkerchief, "My husband always packed his own lunch."


A blonde, a brunette and red head were captured by a tribe of cannibals. They tied them each up to a stake and explained that the girls could have one wish before they killed them, ate them and made canoes from the skin.
The Brunette went first. The cannibals asked her what her last wish was. She wished for a phone to call her family. It was difficult, but they located a phone and let her call home and tell her family goodbye. Then they killed her, ate her and used her skin to make canoes.

The Redhead was next. Her last wish was for a great feast so the cannibals made her a fantastic feast with everything that was the redheads favorite. After the meal, they killed her, ate her and used her skin to make canoes.

When it was the blonde's turn to make a wish she simply said, "I would like a fork." "A fork?" the cannibals asked, but they gave her a fork. She held the fork in her hands, then looked at the cannibals. She began stabbing herself in the chest saying, "You're not going to make a canoe out of me!"

(yeah, that one is better told in person. It doesn't translate well to written word)


(Last one, I promise)

A blonde a brunette and a Redhead were captured by an angry mob.  They told the girls that they were going to shoot them in front of a firing squad.
First they took the Brunette, placed her by the shooting wall and stood back with guns ready.

The leader shouted, "Ready, Aim...." Then the brunette pointed behind them and shouted, "Tornado!" All the gunmen looked around in panic and in the confusion the brunette ran away.

Angered, the mob placed the Redhead in front of the squad. The leader shouted, "Ready, Aim..." then the Redhead pointed behind them and shouted, "Tsunami!" Again, the mob panicked and the Redhead was able to get away.

The mob was livid when the put the Blonde in the range. The leader once again, shouted, "Ready, Aim..." Just then the blonde pointed and shouted, "FIRE!"


Got any good jokes for me? Do tell! I need new ones!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Colorful Tirade

I have a pet peeve. Well, truth be told I have several. But one of my pet peeves is the fact that the world teaches that there are seven colors in the rainbow. There are six people SIX!

Our Primary Colors are one, two, three...


Yellow and


OK. We all agree that there are three primary colors. That is not an argued statement. Take those three colors and add them in mixture with each other:

Red + Yellow = Orange

Red + Blue = Purple

Yellow + Blue = Green

Those are called Secondary Colors. How many were there? Orange, Purple, Green.... THREE! (I feel like I'm on a segment of Sesame Street).

OK Kids- Three Primary Colors + Three Secondary Colors =????

SIX! Six Colors Ah! Ah! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!! (whoa, I was channeling the Count. Weird)

So the colors of the rainbow? RED. ORANGE. YELLOW. GREEN. BLUE. PURPLE.

Where the hell (that's right, Dad, I said hell) does Indigo play a part in any of this? It's ridiculous!

Another colorful topic that has my feathers ruffled is the fact that a very good friend of mine is being given a hard time for being a person of colors (that's right, colorS) She is very tattooed and so freaking what? She is the most honest, sincere person I know. It's an absolute honor to be considered her friend.

She's been substituting at a nearby school district and although the kids have no problem with her as a sub, the parents do. They don't want someone different teaching their children. It makes me absolutely sick with anger. I thought that kind of stuff only happened in really bad Hallmark movies.  I want to shake everyone one of those parents till they get it through their stupid, bigoted skulls that just because she chooses to express herself through ink does not make her less of a teacher- or even a person. She is beautiful and amazing and one of the smartest people I know.

Expand your horizons, people. Awaken to the fact that it's our differences that make us interesting. If everyone thought the same, looked the same and acted the same what a bland, grey world we would live in. Get your head outta your... wherever it is you have it stuck- and be more accepting of others. Be it religious difference, philosophical difference or whatever- we are all God's children.

Can I get a Hallelujah!?

Monday, February 14, 2011

That's a Nice Story, Grandma: Valentine Edition

Love Comes in a Box

I was trying to think up a good topic for my FAVORITE holiday (sense the tone) ever. I'd decided I wanted to write about when I was a kid and made boxes for Valentine's Day in elementary.  Then I read my friend's blog and realized that she, too had the same idea and beat me to it. So I guess it will seem like I'm copying her. Oh well.

When I was in school I *loved* Valentine's Day. It meant that I got to make a box- which I always thought I had the best box in my class. Often I won the teacher's choice award. The two boxes that stand out the most in my memory (oh how I wish I had pictures of them) were my mailbox covered in hearts and crepe paper. I felt I was totally revolutionary in making a box shaped like a mail box. Everyone else just had shoe boxes with hearts glued to them. Laaaaaame. So my box won the prize. Some time later, I had to keep up my reputation as the one with the best boxes and we came up with the idea of a hot air balloon. Seriously- coolest ever. It wasn't really a box. We took a hanging basket and decorated it, then with dowels we attached a balloon to it. Oh my gosh, it was so awesome. You don't even know.

I always thought it was so much fun to give and receive little valentines. I was always choosy about what message got sent to whom. Heaven forbid I send a "Be Mine" to the boy I didn't like. Oh no, that boy would get the, "Let's be friends" generic card. I always went store bought. No one would have appreciated home made anyway.

When I was a kid the Cupid would come and leave things for us on the porch. Every year I tried to catch him, but he was a slippery devil.  We always got chocolates or conversation hearts or something. It wasn't till MUCH later that I realized it was my parents. I think it was the year I caught my older sister. That's what's fun about being one of the youngest; the magic lasts longer.

It's been years since I've done anything really creative on heart's day. Whilst in Denver I hosted chocolate parties where we ate everything chocolate or chocolate covered- and even watched movies about chocolate. I don't begrudge lover's their holiday. Hell, if I had someone to share it with, I totally would. My tradition before Denver was to watch the movie IQ with Meg Ryan while eating popcorn and Valentine M&M's

This year I get to work on Valentine's Day. No biggie. I'd rather be the one working and let someone who wants to share it with someone have it off. But today, I got to be part of something special. My niece, Macy asked for help on her box for school. It was her idea and her execution. I was just there to run the glue gun and offer a few minor suggestions. But I'm pretty sure this is the cutest school Valentine box ever.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. I hope your day is filled with love and Cupid's (cuz nobody likes regular old flying dwarves).

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

To Russia, With Love

Ever since I found the feature that lets you track your blog and see how many readers come to your page, the countries that visit and the traffic sources, I've noticed that there is always at least one reader from Russia. I'm not sure if it's the same person, or if it was just a one time "oopsy" and they've never been back but the tracker just keeps it on there, or what. But I like to think that there is one person very far away who inadvertently stumbled on this blog is amused by my bitter ramblings (for bitter they are). He/She was probably googling something like an image of a harpy or something else totally non-related.

So to that person, I say Hello! Welcome! Привет! Добро пожаловать! (Oh gosh, I hope I didn't just swear at you. The translation site made me do it!)

On to other things now-

It's amazing how music can soothe the savage beast. I am the savage beast. I had the most angry dream last night. I don't even want to go there. I'm sure it was a dreamed representation of what I would really like to say to someone- but nothing good would come of it so I suppose I'll just have to keep it to myself forever. Anyway, I woke up this morning anticipating the worst day ever- not only the dream, but life itself is looming ominously. Upon my arrival to work at 5 am I turned on my Pandora station. I try to choose music that whomever I am working with would enjoy too. So today we are listening to my Air Supply station. Love songs. I am so anti-love right now that I thought I would spend my whole day totally nauseated. But so far it's been really nice to listen to. Seriously, this music is making me so happy. Journey, Toto, Wham! It's just good stuff. :-)

This last week or so I've been harboring some regret. I learned from watching The Last Unicorn that regret is part of being human. So I guess that means I'm not a mythical creature in disguise. Dang it.  A girl I've known since I was a kid passed away. She lived such an awful, hard life. And I can't help but feel partially at fault. I was never mean to her or anything. I was just not a good friend. It's incredibly arrogant of me to presume that insignificant ol' me could have had any effect on the outcome of her life, but could I have? Had I not just ignored her need for a friend, a real genuine friend, would things have been different for her. I've always thought this every time I've seen her over the years. I thought it when I saw her last a few months ago, but I never did anything about it. My road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Speaking of roads. I've signed up for Netflix. My own account and not mooching off my sister. I did it because I wanted to- but also because I got 30 free games of Family Feud on Facebook. I'm not sure which was the deciding factor. Anyway, the reason I wanted to get an account was so that I could watch the old episodes of Road to Avonlea. I remember loving that show so much and I wanted to watch them again. I'm part way through the second season. They're even better than I remember. And now that I'm in a much different position in life I find that I sympathize more with certain characters than I did before. It's strange how circumstances in life do that to your perspective. People you used to think had a valid point, now only seem insensitive and jerk-ish.

I want to end on a happy note... but I'm so tired I can't think of one. Everything that I start typing sounds like I'm whining. Even this paragraph sounds whiny. So I'll leave you with my favorite sonnet. 

Shakespeare Sonnet 116:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.


Monday, February 7, 2011

Non-Contest Winner: Nicole

I Miss Your Face

Ahhh... Nicole. Nicole, Nicole, Nicole. When I first met Nicole many Moons ago (bwahahaha) she was fresh out of high school.  She was a newby to the Tenth ward. I was in my awkward post mission phase where I was struggling to make new friends because all my old friends had married and made babies and had other things on their minds (I still love you all- but... you know how it works). Nicole was another of those that I got to know more through White Trash Drive In.

I was her visiting teacher for a while- and as she can attest, I am not a good visiting teacher. (I've mentioned my dislike of VTing before). I remember she had surgery or something and we visited her that night. It's  a nice gesture, but I imagine that visiting whilst someone is coming down off their meds isn't conducive to good friendship. They most likely won't remember your visit- or they'll feel so loopy that they have no control over what they say. Don't' worry, Nicole, I don't think you did anything embarrassing- or if you did, I don't remember.

Anyway, we hung out in the same 10th ward circle, going to Denny's after FHE and attending every ward function.  I learned right away that Nicole is a very sweet person. And a very good friend and listener.  She was (and probably still is) an amazing fellowshipper and spent time with people who were on the brink of inactivity and would include them and make them feel loved.

Nicole is an amazing crafty person.  She always posts beautiful creations on her blog and I'm always green with envy at her talent.  She sews her own skirts, and crochets her own hats and just has a beautiful style sense. 

I moved away and rather lost touch with her (thank goodness for Facebook).  She joined the ranks of married friends and decided to move on with life.  She graduated from ISU last year and I am jealous to say that she is one of the few people I know who have a job in the field of their actual major. And she LIKES it! Weird!  She's now living with her husband somewhere in Utah (I really do read your blog, Nicole. I just can't remember exactly where you are now... it ain't here, that's all I know). Just before she moved away we were able to get together for lunch. It was the first time I'd seen her in around three years! Holy Crap! Last time I saw her she was a Moon. Now she's a Fish. And I couldn't be happier for her!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Non-Contest Winner: Cindy

I Know What You Did Last Summer

I've heard that's a creepy movie... I just thought I'd bring it up. No particular reason.

Anyway, before I delve into my memories of Cindy- I need to explain something. I used to be able to blog at work during the slow times. But now for some reason I cannot access my dashboard on the computer at work so I can't work on my blog. This being said, the whole purpose of the contest was to give me something to do whilst bored at work. I still intend to follow through with my promise to write about all of my contestants- it just may take longer than I had planned to go through all of you. And they may not be as lengthy as they might have been.

Back to Cindy.

I met Cindy a handful of years back when she graduated and joined the 10th ward.  She was an enthusiastic addition to our ward. I had never really met her- but I knew who she was because I've known her family for years.  I graduated with one of her sisters, was in a different singles ward with a couple of her sisters and I was visiting teaching partners with a sister too (they have a lot of sisters in that family).  Plus we somehow found out that we're related. I forget how.

The phrase that always brings Cindy bounding to my mind is "Party in my Pants."

Ok, let me explain that (although Cindy needs no explanation).  A few years ago for a pre-camp activity, we made pajama pants. I was trying to make mine a little bigger than the pattern (I almost typed recipe) to fit my giant arse.  I decided three inches ought to do it. And it probably would have.  But when you add three inches to all four parts that you cut- you add 12 inches! Those suckers were HUGE! I'm by no means a small person, but those pants were hilarious.  I wore them to a sleepover-ish type party at Cindy's house (although I don't think I actually spent the night).  We were watching... I wanna say Phantom of the Opera and talking about my gigantic celebrity crush on Gerard Butler. I can't remember the exact conversation- but it had something to do with Gerard Butler joining me for a party in my pants. It sounds worse than it was. I promise I didn't mean it that way. It was a rated G conversation. I just don't know how to explain it without it sounding awful.  Cindy can clarify on her blog if she wants.

Anyway, with that embarrassing story out of the way...

She was a religious attender to White Trash Drive In (my summertime tradition). I always knew even if nobody else showed up, Cindy would. It was there that we learned that we were the only two people in the world who loved The Court Jester and other random no-one-under-50-has-heard-of-them movies (OK, Melissa, you too).

Cindy is always up for a musical- and can catch references that no one else ever catches (see the new years blog post- I don't feel like linking to it).  I love inserting random movie quotes in everyday conversation. Some people think I'm really clever for having come up with the saying- or think I'm crazy. But rarely do they recognize what it's from. Nine times out of Ten Cindy knows what I'm referencing.  I'm trying to think what our most quoted movie is... I guess it goes in spurts but at last count, it would have to be Willy Wonka (the Johnny Depp one). We both kinda count it as "our movie." I always think of Cindy when I watch it.

Harry Potter. How have I made it this far into the blog without mentioning Harry Potter? I've never known anyone who is more of a fanatic about ol' HP than Cindy. I mean, I'm a fan. I've read all the books several times and seen all the movies. I'm a member of mugglenet and keep tabs on movie info on IMDB, but I am no where *near* the level of fandom of Cindy.  It was super fun to have a HP marathon a while back. I made Dragon Eggs and Butterbeer. And when I went to the most recent movie midnight release- Cindy was there (not with me- but I talked to her in line). If there is ever a trivia question that you can't think of the answer to- ask Cindy. I'd bet my last galleon that she knows the answer.

In college we had a class or two together. I was a Mass Comm minor and (I believe) that was her major. We sat next to each other in one snoozefest of a class- that I don't even remember although I'm sure she does and we were both into photography. She stuck with it longer than me. I had to sell my camera (it was an awesome camera- and I learned how to develop my own film and do my own exposures... sigh... I loved that class).

I'm sure there are so many more memories of Cindy floating around in my head- but blogging in my dungeon bedroom really kills my Muse. Maybe as I think of things I'll randomly throw them on my blog. Keep a keen eye out Cindy. Because the best kind of prize is a Sur-prize!  :)