Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Going my way? Not so much.

I feel like I have absolutely no control in my life right now. None. It just seems that everything is going wrong.

A month ago I was doing great at work- things were really looking up in my life.

  • Someone I love who's been sick and off work for six months was doing better and back to work,
  • I'd found the perfect apartment. Perfect size, perfect price. A little ghetto- but I can work with that.
  • I was positive I was going to get the promotion I was going for- which meant if for some reason I couldn't get into the first, less expensive apartment, I would be able to afford the nicer apartment I was looking at (oh man, it was beautiful!!!)
  • I had a reason to look forward to work because there was someone there that I could flirt with- and everyone around me assured me he was flirting- and not just being nice (remember, I honestly don't know the difference- and I'll tell you why later) so my giddiness went through the roof. Seriously- we're talking I made my teenage nieces look mature. (Hi there, girls!)
  • I finally- FINALLY had some friends to go out and do some things with
And then out of nowhere the cosmos decided that I just shouldn't be that happy.

  • Cancer re-entered the picture (I hate, loathe despise and abominate cancer. I want cancer to die!!!)
  • The possibility of cancer on another family member was pre-diagnosed if the current medical condition isn't gotten under control
  • A diagnosis of ADHD Bi-polar disorder on yet another loved one
  • The guy is married- we'll just leave it at that. Turns out I was right all along and he was just being nice. It's not that I can't tell the difference- it's just that they are never flirting. How can I express this in a way that you'll understand? Men. Don't. Flirt. With. Me. I'm sure he was just excited to meet someone who was happy to talk about the same dumb things he's interested in. I'm not angry at him in the least- he did nothing wrong. It was my own stupidity and allowing myself to be guided by the opinions of others- opinions that I really wanted to believe were true- but I knew all along they weren't. I knew he was married. I met his wife for crying out loud- but I let other people convince me he was not and that she must have been something else. My own stupidity, people. My very own.
  • I can't get the landlord from the first apartment to call me back. I have a feeling that's never going to happen. I text at least once a week for an update and I've not heard back from her in almost three.
  • I didn't get the promotion (the person who got it was also very deserving and I'm glad that if it couldn't be me, that it was her because I really, really like her).
  • That means I can't afford the backup apartment.
Writing this all out seems so petty and so small (except for the family stuff- that's pretty big). I must seem like quite a whanny pants to you.  To top it all off- today is my two year anniversary of moving to Utah. I was supposed to live with my aunt for a max of six months. Six. Months. It's been two years. And while I'm eternally grateful to her for letting me live here- even though I haven't been the best housemate to her- I still can't help but feel my independence and self confidence ebbing away.  I still have my friends though and they have their sacks of problems too. It's nice to get together and let them vomit their problems on me so that it doesn't seem like I'm the only person in the world who just can't seem to get life to go her way.

I know that somewhere in all of this there is some lesson to be learned- that's what trials are for, right? Well can't I just peak in the back of the book and get the answer and move on? I'm pretty done with this portion of life right now. I just want my family healthy and happy and for me to have my own space where I can walk between the bathroom and bedroom in my underwear if I want. I really don't think that's asking too much.

1 comment:

Melissa Ann said...

You and me baby are in the same boat! I am super sorry! Just keep telling yourself that you are super funny and that I love you!