Monday, August 5, 2013

More Letters

Dear Friend Who is having a really bad day... nay... month... nay... year,

I love you. I know you don't want to talk about it with everyone who is concerned about you, but just know that I love you and think about you all the time and if anyone in this world deserves to be happy, it's you.


Dear Gardening People,

Don't forget that the 8th of this month is National Leave Zucchini on Your Neighbor's Porch Night. If I grew zucchini I would celebrate this every year.

ps- The reason I *don't* grow zucchini is because I don't eat it- so don't get any ideas about wasting your fresh garden veggies on me.


Dear Co-Workers

I'm bringing you cupcakes tomorrow just because I feel like it. I hope you appreciate it because even with the AC blowing full blast, it was still 10,000 degrees in this house.

ps- I also burnt my favorite finger. For you. You'd better be grateful!


Dear Writers of Superhero movies,

You're slipping. You spend all your time thinking of ways for the characters to kill each other- and don't actually give them real reasons to *want* to kill each other. No one has redeemable qualities any more. "Why should I root for a guy who kills just as many people as the "bad guy?"


Dear Old Man at the Gym,

Let me recap today's conversation:

You: You're an inspiration. My wife was as big as you if not bigger all our married life. "the battle of the bulge," she called it. Ever since she had our first child she was big. She never even tried, so it's nice to see you here and at least trying to be healthy. You're doing a good job.

Me: Ummm... thank you.

[this is where you put your hand on my shoulder]
You: how many kids do you have?

Me: um... none.

You: Oh! Are you married?

Me: No.

[this is where you took your hand *off* my shoulder as if I was suddenly covered in poisonous slime]
You: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Me: I'm not.

You: Well, my aunt was one of those "Hollywood types." She lived till she was 93 and her biggest regret was that she didn't have anyone to take care of her. You don't want to turn out the same.

Now that we've recapped, let me just say- I am too polite to say to you what I wanted to say. I'm not entirely sure what you meant by "Hollywood types" But just because YOU got married at age 12 (or whatever) doesn't mean that there is something wrong with those who don't follow suit. It's not like I sat around planning my life all my life to be single. This wasn't MY idea. But to be frank, I'd rather be alone and childless, than in a marriage where I only got married to keep from being single. I'd rather be single forever than with someone who is ashamed of the way I look- because friend, no matter how hard I try, it's not going anywhere. And *if* miracles happen and I find someone who is as silly as me and can put up with my occasionally irrational behavior, he's going to know better than to make stupid ass comments like the one you made today. Even when he's 80

3 comments:

Nick & Tiffany said...

Oh man, I love this post! I'm going to pretend that first letter is for me and my crappy day, week, month...

My friend who married (&divorced) her high school sweetheart always said "it's better to be alone, than to wish you were." Excellent advice. And even better advice is "Dear old man, mind your own damn business. And your wife must be a real saint to put up with you for the last 60 years."

Melissa Ann said...

Oh my gravy I am shocked! What a major fathead!

DeeAnn Merrill said...

Heather, I love you! And you probably didn't know I was reading your posts; but I look forward to them because they make my day. You bring back so many happy memories of your family and you express yourself in such a wonderful way. I will never forget reading about you and your sisters getting the old tree stump into your car and home to your mother!! Now, this is way too long, but thanks for being you!!!