Sunday, June 2, 2013

My Lonliness is Killing Me

I honestly never thought my life would relate to a Britney Spears song- but it totally does, that line of it anyway. I feel like this loneliness is a disease that has developed in the last two years while living in Utah. I've never had it before. I don't like it. I have never been so without friends before in my life. I've always been surrounded by people.

I always had singles wards to go to, and activities and volleyball- sigh... volleyball... but here? nothing. (I was going to a co-worker's club for volleyball there for a while, but I was uninvited because I'm not good enough). I wish I could explain to you the anxiety of going to things alone and meeting new people gives me. Sure, it's easy for you to say, "Bakeshow, just go to a singles ward. Just go to activities. Just go to firesides."  I wish the solution was that simple. Seriously. The last time I made myself to alone to an activity- volleyball- I was so excited to play, but I cried all the way to American Fork because I was so scared to go alone. Turns out it was cancelled anyway and they didn't bother to update the calender. So I had my mental breakdown for no reason.

I've made myself go to firesides- but as soon as the final Amen is said- I hit the road. I can't stay around and pretend to be excited about meeting people that I have no desire to make the effort in getting to know. If I had a wing man- that would be different. But going alone to these things is really hard.

My Denver friends suggested I try the site where everyone is the new person and everyone is on the same, oh-crap-I-don't-know-anyone footing. But when I looked at it, all the groups for the Salt Lake area are either alcohol related, or anti-Mormon. Why? Because any activity around here involving people of my demographic- is organized by the wards.

And then today I have barely said three words to anyone. I go to church and sit alone. One or two people perhaps will say hello but nothing more. I've been in this ward almost two years and I only know like, five people's names. I come home as soon as the final Amen is said and sit at home. No one here talks to me either so I do what I can to entertain myself appropriately on a Sabbath afternoon.

I guess I'm just extra sad today because yesterday my sister and her kids were here and we had such a fun day and it was so busy and nice to be out and about and not sitting on my bed watching reruns of Robin Hood (which by the way, is a horrible show and the only reason I watch it is for Richard- because no matter how evil he is, he's still the most beautiful thing on screen).

But enough sadness for now. I'm just waiting for my sister to send me pictures so I can blog about our adventures yesterday! Yay! And by this time next week I'll be in Disneyland! So hooray for that!


dedesmith32 said...

Ah Sweetie - I'm so sorry Utah is so hard for you! :( I wish there was something I can do to help. You can come and hang out with me and my family anytime you want! We would be glad to have you - if that helps at all. So sorry!

Wendy Swore said...

CYBERHUG!! Heather, I love you. My kids love you. They still mourn the loss of your hair, but they rejoice for your gingerbread houses. That alone makes you my "coolest friend ever" in their eyes. I hope Disneyland brightens your day. Hugs

Le'o Hafoka said...

Heather!!! I'm here in UT now and you are more than welcome to come and hang out. Just want to let you know that I love ya tons and I'd love to see you anytime!!