Tuesday, March 12, 2013

I can't even commit to a post title!

I've been sick for the last couple of days. Do you know what that means?

It means that I've had about 48 hours or so to lie in bed and either watch the Doctor,

sleep (and have super weird dreams about work and this guy),

or think. One of those is more dangerous than the others. I'll let you mull it over.

Done yet?

It's never a wise thing to leave me to my thoughts. It's also not a wise thing to feed me when I'm sick- those two bowls of Crunch Berries are very angry with me right now.

So today's topic of discussion (and by "discussion" I mean, I write, you read and maybe comment in the little box below if you agree, disagree, or just want to say Hi) is commitment. I think that might actually be the scariest word in the English language. Scarier even than "reality" *shudder*.

The other day at work I took a batch of baked smores. I told a co-worker he should microwave it to make it even better. "It will change your life. I promise."

He got a wary look on his face and said, "I don't think I'm ready to have my life changed."

I laughed and replied, "Ok, It will just change your day then."

In relief he said, "I can do a day. I can't commit to changing my life. You don't get to be 33 and single and not have issues with commitment." 

I couldn't agree more. I told him he was preaching to the choir and sent him on his way.  I have always had a problem with commitment. It terrifies me. I always think, "What if this isn't the right choice?" or "What if there is something better?" I have seriously no idea how to just be at peace with my decisions.

And I'm not just talking about relationships, people. I'm talking everything under the sun. I have a hard time picking out a pair of shoes when I go shopping (as evidence of my last shoe shopping purchase- I chose wrong (should that have an ly? wrongly? that sounds weird... but you know what I mean). Those shoes are total crap and I never wear them and I spent too much on them so I can't justify going out to buy better ones to use instead. It's my punishment for making a wrong choice!). I also would never be able to get a tattoo. For that very same reason. I think they're neat- but how do I know that what I think is neat now- I will still think is neat in 20 years? I just... can't commit to that! AUGH! (not that I would ever get a tattoo- I'm just using that as an example- calm down, Dad) Even paint colors? Yikes! What looks good on the little card... how do I know what it will look like covering the whole wall? What if I don't like it? I can't afford to just splash paint around whenever I want to. It's a big decision! (maybe rich people don't have as much issue with commitment because they can afford to make mistakes)

Moving? Starting a new job? Leaving something comfortable to venture out into the unknown? It's all a form of commitment. Whether it's permanent or not- it's going to be life changing. Those are the worst kinds of decisions for me. Talk about anxiety!

I said a second ago it's not all about relationships, but seriously- I see all these people in horrible relationships and wonder. Every relationship is different. People change. I get it. But... it's just so scary! There are so many unknowns and variables I just don't know how I could ever make that kind of decision. So I guess it's easier not to do it at all. Which makes my situation perfect because I don't have to make that kind of decision. I've never been truly faced with it- and I honestly don't see it happening anytime in the future.

But right now, I'm not concerned about the future. I'm more interested in the past... and the havoc those Crunch Berries are creating. Again, I shouldn't have chosen so hastily. That'll teach me. Ow.

1 comment:

Wendy Swore said...

Don't forget, you're the woman who rocked your mission in NJ! Also, you did school in England. How totally cool it that? You left your hometown not once, but repeatedly, moved to other states, and took jobs different from what your family was comfortable with. You wrote a cool story that I love (yes, that takes commitment) and you are an awesome aunt to your cute little urchkins. I'd say that you can do anything you want to do. You're awesome. I hope you feel better soon. Just be glad it wasn't Coco Puffs! Muahaha!