(especially "Anonymous")
I am not sure how to respond. You ask, "How is anyone supposed to love you, if you don't love yourself?"
That is the material point. I *do* love myself! Of course I do! I'm awesome, I'm funny, I am interesting to talk to, I am intelligent (most of the time) and I guess marginally talented at some things. I need worlds of improvement in all areas in life, yes, (especially humility. Would someone as self centered as I not have a blog revolving entirely around herself?) but in the words of Andelasia's Prince Edward, "What's not to like?"
That's what makes it so frustrating. It baffles my mind that I absolutely repel every man that walks this earth! Why? What is so wrong with me that not one has ever tried to get to know me? (phone number guy was a creeper, and the proposal incident from several years ago- he didn't know me At. All. or he would have known better than to propose without ever having taken me on one single date- from across the country- over an impersonal, electronic device [in an email people. He proposed in an email!].)
What is it about me that causes my closest guy "friends" to say things like, "I wish I could take your personality and put it in ___________'s body [insert blonde bombshell of the week's name here]." or "You're a lot to get used to." and my personal favorite, "You're the kind of girl guys are friends with, not the kind they date."?
Is it because I'm so physically unattractive? I'd like to think not. I don't think I'm a total woofer. I have beautiful eyes and nice teeth. I like my cheekbones and I think I have a decent complexion. Granted, I'm a bit of a heifer, but I'm working on that (not right now though. Right now I'm working my way through a bag each of Hershey's and Reece's Pieces eggs). I smell nice, I'm clean, I dress appropriately for my body type (meaning I don't hang out in all kinds of places that- let's be honest- most people would rather just not look at) and I try to be presentable in public at all times (except at the gym. No one can be faulted for looking like hell at the gym).
It seems the only men truly comfortable talking to me are married- or gay. Is it because I don't pose a threat to them? If they're nice to me I might *gasp* like them? They're off the market, they're safe. The single ones (near my age, that is- I can talk to single guys 10 years my junior because folks, I am no cougar). [Or is it because they're no threat to me that I can talk to them? Hmmm... that causes me to get philosophical...]
Anyway, your guess is as good as mine. I can only do what I can to protect my heart. It's been hurt so many times I'm surprised there's anything left of it. I've gone through 35 years of life and never had one relationship. That's not normal. All I'm saying is why on Earth did I think that would suddenly change? With this one guy? just because someone said he was flirting- which even if he was- in his line of work, they don't have the best reputations and they preeeeeeeeetty much flirt with anything that moves when it serves their purpose (oh snap! Did I just categorize a whole profession of men?)
In the mean time, I reserve the right to piss and moan on my blog. To put out my never ending whines to the universe and just ask why. Why. WHY?
5 comments:
Here I am, sitting half way around the globe, wishing I could invite you over for a cup of coffee, and actually _talk_ to you. Please know, that I didn't mean to offend you in any way with my comment! I wrote it under the impression, that you had been quite hard on yourself over the past few posts. I completely understand your frustration and truly hope, that this special someone will soon cross your way. xxx B.
I know you, have talked to you and see you as a triple threat! You are educated, funny and great wife material (you cook, clean, enjoy kids). I know that you are confident, at least on the outside, and have a heart the size of Texas. So what is it? I was recently having a similar talk with another close friend and what she decided was that she always sticks individuals she might have a slight interest or crush on straight into the friend zone instantly to allow a safe place to get to know them without getting hopes or awkward assumptions up. It is dang hard for anyone to get out of the friend zone and easy to just walk away and pursue someone else. I am not saying this is what is happening with you, but since I see your beautiful heart and soul and I know you are not a woofer or a heifer (your terms there!), it might be worth considering. Either way, it has been too long and I want to hire you to give me fondant lessons...will come to you!.
Heather your words speak right to my heart! I think there are no answers but if I had to pick one I say boys are dumb!
Barbara, I'm not in the least bit offended! :) I appreciate your comments. I know I am really, really mean to myself sometimes and yeah, that probably needs to stop, but your comment got me thinking, "do I really like myself?" so I felt I needed to write about it. Thank you!
Lisa, You are too kind. Anytime you want a fondant lesson- bring it on! I'm really not that great, but I can teach you what I know.
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