Friday, May 9, 2014

Beware the Bat Boy

I don't know what made me think of this, but I have to tell you this story.

Years and years ago when I was living in Provo, I had the BIGGEST crush on this one guy. Kaetty, you'll remember him (you'll probably remember this whole story). We never called guys by their names for fear they- or someone- would overhear us talking about them. So this guy's nickname was 6'8. If you can't guess why, then we can't be friends.

Anyway- I had *such* a crush on him. (he was the second guy in the Jerk Alert post) I met him at institute at a leadership training meeting. We were put in a group and told to make a bridge out of mini marshmallows and dried spaghetti noodles. That was probably the dumbest activity I've ever been party to- but I remember it so I must have learned something from it. He was wearing khaki shorts and a red hoodie (dangerous apparel in Provo with so many Zoobies lurking about- granted, we were at UVSC institute so it was a little more permissible... outside the Lord's school and all). I don't know that I would say I have a "type" but if I did, he'd fit the profile.

Ok. that last sentence was a complete lie. I totally have a type. Tall and nerdy. It's a weakness. I'm taking medication to get over it. The doctors say it isn't contagious.


It's not all tall nerdy guys who send me. They also have to have a personality. I know, weird, right? Well this story also contains another tall.. not so nerdy, but super weird guy. He looked like this:

I'm not kidding. His nickname at our house was literally "Bat Boy" because he LOOKED like this except he was like, 6'6 or 6'10 or something.

He was in my ward and on the activities committee. I was also on the activities committee. And to make it more interesting, he was friends with 6'8. Tall guys gotta stick together, I guess (none of his roommates were under 6'5).

So because I was on the activities committee with this kid, I had to get to know him and spend time around him. He drove me absolutely bananas. His personality was like running a cheese grater over a chalkboard amplified by 50 and then sticking your finger in a light socket while standing in a puddle of lemon juice. But because I'm a sweet, tolerant person [cough*hairball*cough] I was friendly. I even condescended to give him the occasional obligatory hug. bleh...

Being a girl, I of course have some internal conniving qualities built in. I thought- "Hey, I could get Bat Boy to put in a good word for me with 6'8." Sounds logical, right?  So one evening after an activities committee meeting, I drove him home. We were sitting in front of his house chatting when I decided to go in for the kill. I asked him about 6'8. Was he interested in anyone? (me) Did he have a crush on anyone? (me) Did he ever talk about anyone in particular? (me)

Never in my life has a conversation gone so awry. He got a sly smile on his face and said, "oh Bakeshow, That's just so sweet."

I literally had no idea what he was talking about so I said, "I literally have no idea what you're talking about."

"I know that for a long time you've liked me. And I know that you're just talking about [6'8] to make me jealous. It's really sweet of you, but I just have to be honest with you- I don't like you that way."

Uhhhhh.... what? Where the hell did that come from?! I can NOT in recollection think of any time I might have given this crazy eyed psycho the idea that I had any interest in him whatsoever. But how do you tell someone that without being flat out mean?

So I just said, "You've got it wrong- I really am asking about 6'8." But he wasn't going to have it. He just thought I was trying to save face. Seriously. That was the most awkward conversation I've ever had. I politely kicked him out of the car and drove as fast as I could back home to tell my roommates.

To my recollection, I never spoke to him after that- no idea whatever happened to him. I'm not sure who was the jerk in that situation. me for thinking he was Bat-Crap crazy- or him for rejecting something I wasn't even offering... weird...And after all that, he STILL never put in a good word for me with 6'8.

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