I am a jerk. I take out my anger and frustration on people who are just trying to help.
I hate looking for jobs. I have no idea what I want to do. I'm 32 years old for crying out loud. I don't want a job- I want a career. The thing is, I don't know what the hell I want to do. Most kids (I imagine) have some idea of what they want to be when they grow up. Me? Well, The thing I wanted didn't require a college degree so I never planned on going to school. I never set "career" goals for myself. I never aspired to be anything more than what I wanted.
I feel kind of lied to. We grow up with the romantic- yet fictional- notion that if you are a good girl, then someone will fall in love with you- and take care of you while you take care of your children.
Bull.
No one ever told me that might not be the case- that I should have a back up plan. I've been a "good girl" to the point of never having really lived. I took the safe road- the "good" road. Now I am sick of working at jobs that I don't give a rat's ass about- I'm not good at- and that don't challenge me or allow me to use my talents. But I don't know what I want to do. I don't have the experience to get into anything that sounds appealing to me. I am only experienced in areas I loathe- retail- banking- blech.
And when people tell me "Well, either way, you need to get a job. Money is running out you know." Believe me, I know. Do you not understand that I can get a job if I want. I'm sure there are lots of places I can get a dead end job I don't care about. But that's not what I want and it doesn't make things easier that I don't know what I'm looking for.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Chin Up
So, have you ever had the feeling that your life is slowly falling apart? Yeah, I'm going through that right now, but I'm tired of being down in the dumps- so it's time for a list of things that make me happy, happy, happy!
I love that...
I love that...
- two of my sisters and one niece are flying through the air as we speak to come visit me!
- I get to go to Wicked tonight!
- I have really, Really good seats!
- we're all wearing green to the show!
- I come from a weird family where things like wearing green to see Wicked is cool.
- I have a strange subconscious that conjures the strangest dreams to entertain me.
- reading makes me so happy.
- other authors can create the most romantic characters for me to fall in love with (who needs a real man when I have Mr Rochester?).
- my friends make me laugh till I cry.
- I can live married life vicariously through them and know what I'm missing (and not).
- the sun is shining and the sky is blue and the trees are all different colors.
- the library is quite at the moment.
- my sister just sent me a text to tell me they've landed and I get to go pick them up now!
Monday, October 5, 2009
Zing Zang Zoom
32. Ugh. I'm thirty-two. It's such a hideous number, but no where near as traumatic as the big three-oh, and that year turned out pretty awesome. 31 kinda... well... sucked, but 32, all two days of it now, is going to be great. I feel it in my bones. Hmmm... what do I know? My bones are buried so deep beneath all these stored up birthday cakes I can hardly tell I've even got bones.
I will say though, that my friends and family are quite wonderful. While visiting my family in Idaho, they all gathered before I left, had a great barbecue and celebrated my birthday with brownies and ice cream (and pie, French Silk pie- the one thing that makes my birthday complete).
Friday, back in Aurora and reality, my friend Desiree came and picked me up. She said we were going out but would not tell me anything about it. We picked up Kettie and she drove me to a part of town I'm not familiar with. As we turned to the Denver Colosseum, I saw trucks for Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus. I got very stupid and giggly when I found out that's where we were headed.
32 years of life and I'd never been to a circus.
We wandered around and looked at the animals that were outside, when we went inside to watch the side shows and get autographs (Des's idea- not mine. In fact, I made Kettie get them for me) I felt someone pinch my fanny. I turned around to glare at the fingered beast- and saw a big group of my friends! They had all planned to come and no one told me! What a super fun surprise!
The circus was good. I liked the Elephants and the Tigers. They're really just big kitties. I wanted to take one home. I have to say though- I was a little tired of they're theme song "Do Not Try This at Home." Sad that there are people in the world actually stupid enough that they feel they have to make up a song about it.
The Would-Be-Rebound-Crush was there... and reminded me why I steer clear of him. Every once in a while I need to be reminded because I tend to forget when people hurt me and start liking them all over again. It's a very annoying trait of mine. After the circus we all went to dinner. We were supposed to be going out for pie- but we all ate real food instead and never actually got to the pie. Oh well.
Saturday night a few of us gathered at Desiree's to play games and eat cake and ice cream. I got a very unexpected present from a very unexpected family. It was so nice of them to think of me. It was so incredibly thoughtful. Sunday I got to open on more gift... it was just the birthday that wouldn't quit! It was great!
So even though 32 is not the most attractive number, I'm going to do everything I can to associate it with good things. I'm going to make this a good year and by golly, I'm going to be happy. I shouldn't have to worry again till... 35.
I will say though, that my friends and family are quite wonderful. While visiting my family in Idaho, they all gathered before I left, had a great barbecue and celebrated my birthday with brownies and ice cream (and pie, French Silk pie- the one thing that makes my birthday complete).
Friday, back in Aurora and reality, my friend Desiree came and picked me up. She said we were going out but would not tell me anything about it. We picked up Kettie and she drove me to a part of town I'm not familiar with. As we turned to the Denver Colosseum, I saw trucks for Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus. I got very stupid and giggly when I found out that's where we were headed.
32 years of life and I'd never been to a circus.
We wandered around and looked at the animals that were outside, when we went inside to watch the side shows and get autographs (Des's idea- not mine. In fact, I made Kettie get them for me) I felt someone pinch my fanny. I turned around to glare at the fingered beast- and saw a big group of my friends! They had all planned to come and no one told me! What a super fun surprise!
The circus was good. I liked the Elephants and the Tigers. They're really just big kitties. I wanted to take one home. I have to say though- I was a little tired of they're theme song "Do Not Try This at Home." Sad that there are people in the world actually stupid enough that they feel they have to make up a song about it.
The Would-Be-Rebound-Crush was there... and reminded me why I steer clear of him. Every once in a while I need to be reminded because I tend to forget when people hurt me and start liking them all over again. It's a very annoying trait of mine. After the circus we all went to dinner. We were supposed to be going out for pie- but we all ate real food instead and never actually got to the pie. Oh well.
Saturday night a few of us gathered at Desiree's to play games and eat cake and ice cream. I got a very unexpected present from a very unexpected family. It was so nice of them to think of me. It was so incredibly thoughtful. Sunday I got to open on more gift... it was just the birthday that wouldn't quit! It was great!
So even though 32 is not the most attractive number, I'm going to do everything I can to associate it with good things. I'm going to make this a good year and by golly, I'm going to be happy. I shouldn't have to worry again till... 35.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Hunting Season
I am crabby, crabby, crabby. I hate job hunting. I don't know what I want to do with my life. Well, I do know, but it's not like I can apply for that job, it kinda has to find you. grrr... I don't like writing resumes and turning them in to companies that I'm not familiar with. I don't like the rejection that comes inevitably from every single one (rejection or ignoring- they both suck).
I really don't know what I want to do- professionally. I never planned on having a career and therefore did not set goals for myself. I mean, I want to write, but I'm too damn chicken to submit my work, plus I was told even if I wanted to write- not to quit my day job. I have always said editing, but I don't think being locked away in a cubicle reading someone else's work would be good for me. I like people. I like to be moving- not sitting at a desk all day. My dream job would be something that travels everywhere- and pays for it. But I'm sure jobs like that are impossible to come by.
People say I would make a good teacher. I admit it has it's appeals: no weekends (technically), no holidays, and summers off to travel. Hmmm... but the thought of going everyday and putting up with teenage attitude and snottiness makes me cringe. I hated high school. Teenagers are jerks and I don't imagine that has changed for the better. Plus it means more school, which in turn means more debt. Sigh... which also means some other brainless job to work my way through till I can get certified.
So until then, I get to think of answers to questions like "well now what?" "how are you going to afford that?" "are you sure that's a responsible thing to do?" ARGH! I don't know! I would be a fool to just sit here and wallow in self pity, but I feel judged for trying to take advantage of opportunities now that I have a little free time... but always the responsible daughter I'll probably sit at home and do nothing with my life for fear I'll be the topic of family gossip. "Did you hear what Heather did? I don't know how she can afford it. I don't know why she isn't out there looking for a job instead of doing..."
Instead of dealing with it, I'm hiding in the basement bedroom of my parents house. Home for a lovely visit with friends and family. I don't seem to have enough time for everyone- yet I sit at home during the day and stare at walls. Blast all of you who have a purpose in life!
I really don't know what I want to do- professionally. I never planned on having a career and therefore did not set goals for myself. I mean, I want to write, but I'm too damn chicken to submit my work, plus I was told even if I wanted to write- not to quit my day job. I have always said editing, but I don't think being locked away in a cubicle reading someone else's work would be good for me. I like people. I like to be moving- not sitting at a desk all day. My dream job would be something that travels everywhere- and pays for it. But I'm sure jobs like that are impossible to come by.
People say I would make a good teacher. I admit it has it's appeals: no weekends (technically), no holidays, and summers off to travel. Hmmm... but the thought of going everyday and putting up with teenage attitude and snottiness makes me cringe. I hated high school. Teenagers are jerks and I don't imagine that has changed for the better. Plus it means more school, which in turn means more debt. Sigh... which also means some other brainless job to work my way through till I can get certified.
So until then, I get to think of answers to questions like "well now what?" "how are you going to afford that?" "are you sure that's a responsible thing to do?" ARGH! I don't know! I would be a fool to just sit here and wallow in self pity, but I feel judged for trying to take advantage of opportunities now that I have a little free time... but always the responsible daughter I'll probably sit at home and do nothing with my life for fear I'll be the topic of family gossip. "Did you hear what Heather did? I don't know how she can afford it. I don't know why she isn't out there looking for a job instead of doing..."
Instead of dealing with it, I'm hiding in the basement bedroom of my parents house. Home for a lovely visit with friends and family. I don't seem to have enough time for everyone- yet I sit at home during the day and stare at walls. Blast all of you who have a purpose in life!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Fired
You all know how much I love my job at the bank... and if you know me at all, you know I just lied. When I moved to Colorado two years ago, I got a job to pay the bills until I got the job I actually wanted. Thing is, I got too comfortable in the job. It was easier to stay at a job I didn't like, and that- quite frankly- I sucked at, than looking for the "right job."
Well, I guess I learned everything I was meant to learn from there because at ten o'clock this morning, they let me go. I made a stupid mistake on Friday and even though the mistake was found, and explained, they had to let me go for "legal reasons." Meaning that if some other chump did the same thing on purpose, they would have to fire them too. If they kept me and fired someone else over the same reason, then they would have a law suit on their hands.
I can't say I'm sad to go. I'm sad not to have a paycheck anymore. That part sucks so bad I want to throw up- but I will make it through this. I have already filed for unemployment- I don't know if I will qualify because the reason I left was "my fault" but at least I am trying. I would like to think I could take some time off- write, visit my family, spend time in my happy place, etc- but I don't know if I will be able to do it knowing I don't have any money coming in and the little that I do have won't last long.
Maybe I'll go back to school, get my masters, or maybe a teaching certificate and help rotten teenagers learn to love the classics. Hmmm...
Personally, I think everyone should get fired at least once in their lives. It's a good learning experience. I am not bitter with anyone at all. And I have never seen the Lord's hand in my life more than right now. In a month if I'm not working, I may change that tune, but for now. Don't cry for me... but you can send money if you want! Ha~
Well, I guess I learned everything I was meant to learn from there because at ten o'clock this morning, they let me go. I made a stupid mistake on Friday and even though the mistake was found, and explained, they had to let me go for "legal reasons." Meaning that if some other chump did the same thing on purpose, they would have to fire them too. If they kept me and fired someone else over the same reason, then they would have a law suit on their hands.
I can't say I'm sad to go. I'm sad not to have a paycheck anymore. That part sucks so bad I want to throw up- but I will make it through this. I have already filed for unemployment- I don't know if I will qualify because the reason I left was "my fault" but at least I am trying. I would like to think I could take some time off- write, visit my family, spend time in my happy place, etc- but I don't know if I will be able to do it knowing I don't have any money coming in and the little that I do have won't last long.
Maybe I'll go back to school, get my masters, or maybe a teaching certificate and help rotten teenagers learn to love the classics. Hmmm...
Personally, I think everyone should get fired at least once in their lives. It's a good learning experience. I am not bitter with anyone at all. And I have never seen the Lord's hand in my life more than right now. In a month if I'm not working, I may change that tune, but for now. Don't cry for me... but you can send money if you want! Ha~
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