Floundering

I am a jerk. I take out my anger and frustration on people who are just trying to help.

I hate looking for jobs. I have no idea what I want to do. I'm 32 years old for crying out loud. I don't want a job- I want a career. The thing is, I don't know what the hell I want to do. Most kids (I imagine) have some idea of what they want to be when they grow up. Me? Well, The thing I wanted didn't require a college degree so I never planned on going to school. I never set "career" goals for myself. I never aspired to be anything more than what I wanted.

I feel kind of lied to. We grow up with the romantic- yet fictional- notion that if you are a good girl, then someone will fall in love with you- and take care of you while you take care of your children.

Bull.

No one ever told me that might not be the case- that I should have a back up plan. I've been a "good girl" to the point of never having really lived. I took the safe road- the "good" road. Now I am sick of working at jobs that I don't give a rat's ass about- I'm not good at- and that don't challenge me or allow me to use my talents. But I don't know what I want to do. I don't have the experience to get into anything that sounds appealing to me. I am only experienced in areas I loathe- retail- banking- blech.

And when people tell me "Well, either way, you need to get a job. Money is running out you know." Believe me, I know. Do you not understand that I can get a job if I want. I'm sure there are lots of places I can get a dead end job I don't care about. But that's not what I want and it doesn't make things easier that I don't know what I'm looking for.