Killing my internal optimist

Ok... I just have to get this out of my system. It will go away. I promise.

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I wished to have a crush on someone? Well, DANG it! It happened! Don't worry, I will squash it away as fast as I possibly can. Seriously- because I forgot what Bakeshow-with-a-crush is like. She's crazy. Seriously. And she's very VERY immature.

I'd like to think I've come a long way since high school- but still, the desire to drive past his work and make him cupcakes is overwhelming. I won't. Don't worry. I have been semi-flirting with this guy for a year and a half (and by "flirting" I mean, I try not to be sarcastic and mean to him [my usual self] and he responds  by just being nice[remember- men don't flirt with me- they are nice- but they don't flirt).

Anyway- A coworker today saw me chatting -sort of- with him today- and she was convinced he was flirting. I, however, am convinced he was not. Anyway- long story short- what she said gave me the slightest spark of hope that... maybe... just maybe... which led me to be a giggling idiot for the rest of the day. And when he came in again to work tonight, my heart skipped the teeniest beat and I forgot about the patient I was helping.

When I had to walk past him to get back to my desk, he was surrounded by his buddies- so I didn't dare say anything. He waved though- To.Be.Nice. He was only being nice. It was nothing- a wave- that's all.

But no. I have to spend the next few hours now pounding out that idiot that I allowed to run free for a few minutes today. See? Even the fact that I'm sitting here- recounting movement by movement of our encounters today- I just feel like a freaking idiot- but I want you all to know what an idiot I am too- therefore I will publish this post. I want everyone to be thoroughly aware of what a pathetic mess I am.  Have I convinced you yet?

This might help: It's been a year and a half- and I still don't even know his name.