Monday, February 11, 2013

Online daters prepare to be offended

I have a confession to make. I did something last week that I promised myself I would never EVER do. Like, Ever. Well... let me start off a different way. Last week I had an amazing dream. Probably the most amazing dream I've ever had- it wasn't icky- it wasn't... well, of all the dreams I tell you on this blog- I'm not going to tell you this one. It was a little bit... well... special (I hate to use the word "sacred" because it wasn't at all religious- but it was something really special to me and I just don't fee like sharing it with the entire world).

Anyway, momentarily dazed after this dream- ("momentarily" meaning days) I decided that I need to be more proactive in my singleness situation if I ever want to change that (which, I'm not entirely sure if I do- but in a moment of weakness, I thought I might consider it) and therefore (oh, Lord help me say this without shriveling up and dying of embarrassment) I signed up with an online dating site.

For those of you who have been reading along with me for a while- you know how I feel about online dating. But, for those in need of a refresher: I am not against it. For those people who engage in such activities- more power to you. Please don't be offended by anything further that I say. If you are the exception, then I'm happy for you! I am speaking from my personal experience (and that of people close to me) only.

I can't lie. The only reason I got on was to see who/what was available across the pond. I'm not interested in staying in Utah. Facts be known, I rather hate living here. BUT if there was some dashing gent three thousand miles away, well, you know, it is hard to meet people of the same faith allll the way over there- anyway, that's why I signed onto the site.

Over the next few days I got smiles and IM's and whatever the heck it is they do. I only had the free account- I wasn't a paying customer- so I couldn't talk to anyone anyway.  But call me judgmental (because we all know it's true) there was just no one I'd be interested in. In my experience, the guys who go online (and this is where the offensive part comes into play) just aren't quality. I guess it's my opinion that LDS guys should not have a hard time finding a date around here. Seriously. There are scads of amazing women around who are all probably too good for them, yet would still be willing to go out with them. There is no reason for an LDS man to be shopping online for a local women. All he has to do is strap on a pair and ask one out! Women, yes, I can see why they go online- pickin's are slim these days- but in very, very few cases that I know of, does it turn out well (and why is that? oh, because the women are amazing and the guys are just looking for the easy way out of finding a willing, good woman).

Rant over.

Anyway, it's not my thing. I just can't see myself... ugh... chatting with some random stranger online. Heck, I have a hard enough time chatting with perfect strangers in person. The anonymity of the Internet is supposed to be what makes it easier... but I think it adds so much more doubt. How can you trust that the person is who they say they are? and not some crazy sleaze bucket just out to prey on vulnerable women who honestly trust what they are being told? At least in person you have a slightly better chance of picking up on red flags and making personal conclusions.

Long story short I deleted the account today. I gave it a week. But it made my stomach cringe every time I opened my email and saw "you have new matches" or "crazycreep sent you a wink" Gag. I just want to throw up thinking about it. But, I felt I had to confess it to you.

I hope we can still be friends.


Granted By Tiffany said...

Oh HB I love you! you crack me up! And let me add, kudos for giving it a go, even if it wasn't a success, now you know. onwards and upwards!

Grafulas said...

I'm a success story, but I can only admit that because I don't think online dating is cool and actually never intended on doing it--it was divine intervention, but if you want more details (besides the one I will list below) on my story you'll have to ask privately :)

I do have to disagree with you on a couple of points though, based on my experiences...

Because of our situation, MANY people go out of their way to let us know how great online dating is because they also met online--most of them on purpose, and most of the couples are totally normal, which seems weird to me, but it's true. I've actually only encountered one woman that had a horrible experience marriage-wise, but the relationship totaled six months, so that was a red flag to me...

Also, I can 100% see why a lot of men choose to try meeting people online INSTEAD of in person, especially amongst LDS women--(not picking on you specifically), but too many women are so cynical, which they think is flirting, and in-your-face about their opinions and goals in life that I think a lot of men feel like they aren't needed/wanted, which is very important to a man--they like to feel like they can make a girl's life better. So when they deal with that formidable scenario over and over again in person, I think a lot of them eventually try a less confrontational route, like online dating. People complain about how men don't know how to court these days, but women are equally as guilty--we don't know how to accept what courtship is offered to us, however pitiable the delivery may be. Plus, I wanted to meet people outside of LDS areas, and he wanted to meet people inside of and LDS area, and without frequent flyer miles or lots of money, the internet enabled this to happen.

Lastly, again this is in my case, I think starting off as penpals and not being distracted by the above mentioned confrontation/physical distractions (I was TOTALLY the kind of girl mentioned above) is the only way I ever would've come to trust a boy. We were emailing, chatting, writing letters, sending pictures, and eventually phone-calling each other for seven months before he decided to come see me (and since it was in high school this was all with parental supervision, kinda). Anyway, there's no way we could've done that in person--I would have been rude to him because I thought he was cute, and he would've done the same to me because I distracted him from his academic goals (which was actually really important that I did, but that's another story). By the time we did meet, we already knew each other so well because of how ridiculously much we communicated about every topic that the only thing left was to decide if we were attracted to each other, which we were, and then we had to wait five years to get married :)

Conclusion: I LOVED my courtship with my husband, even if most of it was based on "online" encounters and long-distance communication. Personally, I think you should give it another try, perhaps from a different site, and focus on just meeting people and writing to "penpals" at first instead of finding your soulmate. If nothing wonderful comes of it, you'll probably meet some great people and it will be a pleasant diversion from the mundane Utah lifestyle :) And I'm sure most of the people are just as self-conscious about online dating as you are, so don't get too distracted by the self-depricating pseudonyms. And ignore my spelling errors :) The End.