Status Updates

So... some of my friends on Facebook are really funny. Here are some of the recent status updates on Facebook:

"I think I should have the right to slap anyone that calls me "Ma'am"
~ Anna

"Over 5000 years ago, Moses said to Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."When Welfare was introduced, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land." Today, the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land to China"
~ April (stolen from Darlene)


"What? No my fish isn't dead, he just floats on his side sometimes."
~ Mandy


"If I were Emperor of the world, I would make it a crime to leave one's shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot instead of putting it in the chorale. The first offense would be a hefty fine and public shaming. The second offense would get you chained to the chorale and pelted with canned goods and other humiliating items"
~Jermaine
 
and my personal favorite:
 
"For all you single ladies who are in such a hurry to find someone, here's a quick piece of biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheatin-az, Dumb-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Goodfornothin-az, Lazy-az or Married-az..... and especially his 3rd Cousin Beatinyo-az !!!!"
~ April