Thursday, February 24, 2011

Move Over, Heath Ledger. There's a New Joker in Town

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Little old lady.

Little old lady, who?

I didn't know you could *yodel*

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What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a nut.

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One day, Kermit the Frog walked into a bank. He walked up to a woman sitting at her desk. The name plate said, 'Patricia Wakk."
"Can I help you, sir," Patricia asked.
"I am finally proposing to Miss Piggy," Kermit said, "and I would like to borrow some money to get her the ring she deserves."
After sitting down and going over Kermit's finances, Patricia told him, "In order for us to lend you some money, we are going to need some collateral."
So Kermit went home and looked around for something valuable. He returned to the bank and found the bank manager standing with Patricia at her desk.  He presented her with a snow globe and asked, "Will this do as collateral?"
Patricia stared at the little item and asked, "What the heck is that?"
To this, the bank manager piped up saying, "It's a knick knack Patty Wakk. Give the Frog a loan."

(get it? bwahahahaha)

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Three men were playing golf.  The first man, Moses, drives his ball into the water. No problem, he just parts the water, and plays on through. The second man, Jesus, also drives his ball into the water. It's not a big deal, he just walks out on the water and plays on through. The third man hits the ball, and it too goes toward the water. Before it can make a splash though, a fish leaps out of the water and swallows the ball. Moments later, a bird dives from the sky and swallows the fish and flies away. The bird doesn't get far when suddenly it falls from the sky and lands dead on the putting green. As it hits the ground, the golf ball pops out of it's mouth and rolls till it tips into the hole. Moses turned to Jesus and whispered, "Man, I *hate* it when your Dad plays."

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Three men were sitting on the scaffolding of a construction site having their lunch. The first man opens his lunch box and has a peanut butter sandwich. "Oh my gosh!" he exclaimed, "I have this everyday! If I have to eat a peanut butter sandwich one more time I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself."
The second man opened his lunch box and there was ham and cheese on rye. "Ugh!" he grimaced, "I have this same thing for lunch every day! If I have to eat ham and cheese on rye once more I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!"
The third man opened his and saw a tuna sandwich. "Eeew!" he shouted. "Everyday I eat the same thing. If I have to eat another tuna sandwich I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself."

The next day the three men sat down again for lunch. The first man opened his lunch and there was a peanut butter sandwich, so he jumped from the building and killed himself.
The second man opened his and saw ham and cheese on rye so he leaped from the building and killed himself.
The third man opened his box and sure enough, there was a tuna sandwich. So he jumped from the building and killed himself.

Days later at the joint funeral, the three widows were standing together talking. The wife of the first man had tears in her eyes and she sobbed, "If only I'd given him left overs, I'd still have him with me."
The wife of the second man, cried into a tissue and said, "If I'd given him turkey instead of ham and cheese he'd still be with me today."
The wife of the third man said into her handkerchief, "My husband always packed his own lunch."

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A blonde, a brunette and red head were captured by a tribe of cannibals. They tied them each up to a stake and explained that the girls could have one wish before they killed them, ate them and made canoes from the skin.
The Brunette went first. The cannibals asked her what her last wish was. She wished for a phone to call her family. It was difficult, but they located a phone and let her call home and tell her family goodbye. Then they killed her, ate her and used her skin to make canoes.

The Redhead was next. Her last wish was for a great feast so the cannibals made her a fantastic feast with everything that was the redheads favorite. After the meal, they killed her, ate her and used her skin to make canoes.

When it was the blonde's turn to make a wish she simply said, "I would like a fork." "A fork?" the cannibals asked, but they gave her a fork. She held the fork in her hands, then looked at the cannibals. She began stabbing herself in the chest saying, "You're not going to make a canoe out of me!"

(yeah, that one is better told in person. It doesn't translate well to written word)

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(Last one, I promise)

A blonde a brunette and a Redhead were captured by an angry mob.  They told the girls that they were going to shoot them in front of a firing squad.
First they took the Brunette, placed her by the shooting wall and stood back with guns ready.

The leader shouted, "Ready, Aim...." Then the brunette pointed behind them and shouted, "Tornado!" All the gunmen looked around in panic and in the confusion the brunette ran away.

Angered, the mob placed the Redhead in front of the squad. The leader shouted, "Ready, Aim..." then the Redhead pointed behind them and shouted, "Tsunami!" Again, the mob panicked and the Redhead was able to get away.

The mob was livid when the put the Blonde in the range. The leader once again, shouted, "Ready, Aim..." Just then the blonde pointed and shouted, "FIRE!"

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Got any good jokes for me? Do tell! I need new ones!

3 comments:

Amy said...

What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

Heather said...

Want to know how to drown a Polar Bear?

Cut a hole in the ice.

Place peas around the edge of the hole.

When the Bear stops to take a Pea, kick him in the Ice Hole. he he he he he


How do you get an angry Bull out of the grocery store?

You take the "S" out of "Safe" and the "F" out of "Way"

(There is no "F" in way)
(You have to say that one out loud for it to be funny. ~~Got that one from Missionary!)

Fish Family said...

A blonde, a brunette, a nd a red head escaped from prison. They were closely followed by the guards until they found an old barn to hide in. They saw a bunch of sacks and hid in them. The guards entered the barn and saw the sacks. They went up to the brunette's sack and kicked it. The brunette said, "Bark bark!" And the guards said, "Oh, just puppies." They went up to the red head's sack and kicked it. The red head said, "Meow!" So the guards said, "Just kittens." They then kicked the blonde's bag and she said, "Potatoes!!"