Facebook Status Highlights 2014

January

I have keys!!!

So all you local good deed doers who want to earn brownie points in heaven (and maybe some of my real brownies or cupcakes), I'm going to paint this week. Possibly Thursday, for sure Friday. It's not a huge job, but many hands make light work, ya know?

Just FYI- my sister Melanie has taken a turn for the worse- we're all heading home. If we don't answer your calls or texts please don't take it personally, we're dealing with this the best way we know how... And none of us knows how to deal with this.

I feel like I've been kissed by a Dementor.

No internet at my new house. This must be how the pioneers felt :-/

February

I love the sound of my taxes being filed. I feel a shopping spree coming on!

In the absence of tv channels I've been watching the seasons of Friends on DVD. I've decided I need a Monica in my life to unpack, clean and organize. Any volunteers?

Minor heart attack this morning when Candy Crush reset my game to level one... Crisis averted. You can breathe again.

March

I HAVE INTERNET!!! Welcome back to the 21st century!!

It's official. Home decorating is expensive and boring.

Les Mis at Hale. Freaking fantastic!!!

Prom dress shopping! 20 years late and not for me- but now I know what I was missing!

I dreamed last night I ran a marathon. I figured that was good enough for the day and skipped the gym.

April

I don't need to play pranks. My life is enough of a joke as it is. :-|

Started my day with no date. Ended my day with no date. Didn't ask anyone out, and yet still somehow feel rejected. How did that happen?

FYI about Captain America: they put a lot of fighting and explosions in it to make it seem like a movie for dudes, but with all that eye Candy- this one is for the ladies!

So I met someone today that reads my blog and I've never met her. She asked, "is it weird that you don't know me but I know all about you?" Ummm... A little- but that's the point of a public blog, I guess. Yay! I have a fan!

Came home early from work. If there's a funky smell coming from my apartment in the next three days, somebody call my mom.

Home sick today, so the big question of the day: what kind of marathon to have?

You know a kid is being raised correctly when you stop in on her while she's home from school- totally unsupervised- and she's watching Disney movies.

Sometimes I do dumb things... Like buy pianos.

No hot water? That means I can't do the dishes. What a shame... What's that ridiculously comfortable bed? You want me to come take a nap? If you insist...

Had a kid come up to me at work today. He asked for a dollar, called me a liar when I told him I didn't have money, and then stole my pen and ran away. I fear for our future.

May

So a guy at church today introduced himself and said he was from Albania. All I could think of was, "That's where Voldemort went into hiding." Looks like this afternoon calls for a Potter-thon!

I just tested my taser to see if needed to be recharged. I obviously don't play with it often because I held the wrong end when I tested it... It works

I dreamed last night I was spending a few months with friends in Paris for school. Then I woke up, already graduated, in Utah and alone.

The neighbors across the street have a bouncy castle and are blaring music so loud I can't hear my own tv. I'm torn between yelling at them to shut the heck up... And asking if I can have a turn.

Oh. My. Gosh! I just made the world's best batch of cookie dough! Seems a shame to ruin it by turning it into cookies. My coworkers better love me for this sacrifice!

The most shocking thing happened today! While running at the gym, I saw someone get hit by a car! I'll leave it to you to decide which was more shocking- the car thing or me at the gym.

I just went into a store called The Nerd Store and was thrown out for thinking Iron Man was better than Batman.

It's official. I paid for it. I'm guessing it will be the biggest waste of money in my whole life. But you never know till you try right? It's the most terrifying step I've ever taken! I may go throw up now.

June

It's a good thing the 4 year old knows how to work the electronics in this house.

Number one clue I'm not a mom? I still think tantrums are adorable.

Twice today I got, "how is it that you're still single?" Your guess is as good as mine, pal. Your guess is as good as mine. My guess is: like the sun, no one can be the presence of such awesomeness for so long without it having adverse effects on one's health. Yeah. That's probably it.

It's Friday the 13th. Full moon. And my neighbors have two black cats. Geez, it's a good thing I'm not superstitious.

I make the best chocolate chip cookie dough In. The. World. I'm not even going to feign humility. When you've got it, you've got it. And baby, I've got it.

Clearly Netflix and I need to spend more time together. The movies on my suggested list indicate they don't know me very well. That being said, as stupid as this movie is, now I have to finish it to see if the ending is as stupid as the beginning and the middle...

Sunday dinner fail: made this totally amazing dinner but snacked too much on watermelon and now I'm not hungry... It became an EPIC FAIL when the oven door closed on me and burned both arms. Owwee!!!

Hazards of living In the ghetto: no matter how much you scrub it still looks dirty.

Had the missionaries and my neighbor to dinner. No one died! Mission accomplished!

I fail to see how "ooey gooey, creepy crawly worms" is an inappropriate bedtime song.

July

I don't know the difference between the sounds of fireworks and gun shots. So either my neighborhood is feeling very festive, or there's a shoot out going on.

I went over 24 hours without speaking to anyone- including myself. And just as long without communications via technology. You're welcome world for the day off. Don't expect it to happen again.

So I thought I'd just wander over and check out my online profile (patooie) and see how things were going... I... I Heather Baker. Prude of all prudes... have bleep marks for expletives that have been filtered out! Bwahahahahaha!!!!!!!

Bagpipe music and men in kilts... I'm not even sorry for this sunburn. Totally worth it!

I just found ice cream in my freezer that I totally forgot was there. This day was just made that much better!

Six months ago this very minute I was holding my sister/best friend's hand as she took her last breath. This has been the hardest six months of my life. I miss her everyday. I miss her humor. I miss her advice. I miss her geekiness. She's completely irreplaceable. I'm learning a new normal, but life will never be the same.

I may or may not be having a karaoke party of one In my kitchen. Doing the dishes just got WAY more interesting. Apologies to my neighbors. I don't sing quietly.

Is complaining about seeds in your seedless watermelon considered a First World Problem?

August

Your love is better than chocolate... And boy, do I love chocolate!" A: who freaking says that? B: who freaking says that to a stranger? C: who freaking says that to a stranger in an electronic card?

LOTR weekend marathon commencing in 5...4...3...2... ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL!!!

Home is where the wifi connects automatically.

Happy back to school week everyone. I'll just be sitting at work... You know- not using algebra.

September

It's a sign you've seen a movie too many times when you fall asleep watching it, but the dream you're having *is* the movie and you see it all anyway.

Just saw the first spider in my apartment. Time to move.

Whichever one of you it was that suggest I watch "Call the Midwife", thank you.... I watched the whole series in two days and haven't cried this much since my sister died. (That "thank you" is both sarcastic and sincere.) I gave up on tissues and just used a dish cloth. Geez.

While having a dream about sleeping through my alarm, i was sleeping through my alarm. Which means i got ready for work in about five minutes. I look basiically the same as on a day i spend and hour getting ready. This is seriously causing me to question my life choices.

October

Thanks for all the birthday love! Despite California trying to kill me with 110 degree weather- it was a good day! Even a mediocre day at Disney is better than a great day in the real world

Sometimes I forget how good people can be. Thank you disney for bringing good people together!

All day I've been thinking about the new concoction I was going to create for dinner. It was super disgusting and a major disappointment -not to mention waste of resources. I mean, I ate it because I'm poor and can't just throw stuff away... But Bleh. THIS is why I don't try new things!!!

Sweatshirt: check. Capri yoga pants: check. Unshaved legs: check. Ballet flats: check. Someone's a little overdressed for Walmart

The downside? I only accomplished 32% of my to-do list. The upside? I finished reading a 400 page novel in one day

I rarely find myself busy... So this Halloween season I keep saying "yes" to all invitations, not remembering that I already have several obligations and goals. I'm so out of time and overbooked that the only possible solution is to read on the couch until I fall asleep.

I'm honestly not sure if I have everything under control- or of there is a ton of stuff I'm forgetting.

November

I'm cold. Fastest way to heat my house? Bake cookies!!

It finally happened. I've joined the shattered screen crowd

I lost my remote and because I live alone I don't have anyone to blame it on.

It was 4 degrees when I woke up in Nampa. Just returned to Salt Lake and a balmy 26 degrees. Why did I already put away my flip flops? This is beach weather!!

I met someone today who is a professional matchmaker. I honestly thought those only existed on tv shows and old musicals.

December

Do women actually pay guys to pretend to be their boyfriends to impress family at the holidays or have I been watching too many Hallmark movies?

I feel like it's too early for Christmas baking. Is it too early for Christmas baking? I don't want my stuff to get lost in the shuffle of everybody else's stuff, but I don't want it to be so far away from Christmas that everybody forgets how awesome I am... er...I mean how awesome my treats are.

Alright the decision has been made – Let the baking commence! Coworkers prepared to loosen thy belts. Friends who are not coworkers, we are currently hiring, inquire within.

So many baking fails tonight. I'm going to change my name and move to Antarctica where they only eat Popsicles and cold cucumber soup.

My light fixture just shattered all over my bed. I cleaned it up the best I could but can't use my vacuum at one a.m. because that's rude to my downstairs neighbor. So If I wake up looking like I spent a wild night with Edward Scissor Hands you'll understand why.

Are their career options for professional procrastinators? I should probably look into that… Maybe tomorrow.