Decisions Decisions

Every once in a while I seem to be overwhelmed with the decisions I have to make. I am once again at the Gates of Decision trying to decide what to do with my life. Here are some of the quagmires I seem to be stuck in:

• Do I want to leave a secure job that I suck at and really don't like- to look for something in these rather questionable and economically perilous time? I work decent hours. The people I work with are generally fun people- BUT I am crap at the job. It's been two years and I'm still in the entry level position. I can't get promoted until I am better... I don't get better because I. Don't. Care.

• What kind of job? There's not much in the way of media/editing so do I get a teaching certificate and do something that I really don't want to do- but the hours are excellent? I've never really thought of myself as a teacher. I'm not a fan other other people's children. I don't like the attitudes and I think I play favorites too much to be a fair teacher. BUT I would make better money than I am now- I'd have weekends holidays and summers off.

• Do I want to stay in Colorado? Yes, I love it here- but if I can't find the job I want, what exactly is keeping me here? I'm sure I could make friends and be rejected by men no matter where in the country I am. Do I really need to limit myself to Colorado?

• If I stay in Colorado, do I make the commitment of buying a house? My realtor told me that with some program or other that I'm dealing with that I have to live in the house for three years before I can move. So do I make a three year commitment?

• Or- do I continue to rent but get a much needed car before my beloved Kermit gives up the ghost? I love my car and don't want to think about such morbid things- but facing facts, Kermie isn't getting any less miles on him and that sound isn't going to stop by itself and I can't afford to keep pumping money into his doctor bills.

• If I decide to buy a house, where do I want to live?

• Am I willing to extend my commute or do I move closer to my current job? Remember, I don't like that job and don't plan on being there forever- so would moving closer really be beneficial? I love the town that it's in though- and the fact that people there are generally normal and I would feel safe there- the kind of place I would want my Mom to visit me in.

• Am I really wanting to move closer to my work- or closer to the person who I am having a really hard time getting over- secretly hoping that if I am geographically closer we can rekindle what was lost last year. Scoff if you must- be he really is the only man on this planet who has ever made me feel beautiful and a girl has a hard time forgetting stuff like that no matter how much of a dinkus he really is.

• Why am I being so stupid about someone who obviously doesn't want me? Why do I dream about him every night and wish that things would have turned out differently- or at least had some semblance of closure? Does he ever even think about me or was I just a convenience? Does his daughter- who I love so incredibly much- ever think about me or ask about me?

• If I do move out, do I buy a place that costs a little more but requires me to find a roommate- or do I buy a smaller place where I can live alone? The latter is the most appealing...

• If I live alone, do I do the cheap thing and get hand-me-down furniture- or do I go to the furniture store and get the beautiful living room set that I'm in love with so that I don't feel like I'm living in a trash bin, but in a place that's truly mine?

• Can I really afford this or am I going in way too over my head? Is it my pride? What is compelling me to make this purchase?

• Am I ready to take on that kind of responsibility? What if something goes wrong? will I know what to do?

• Would I like living alone or would I get lonely?

• If miracles happen and I meet someone and things go the eternal route- will it be bad for me to have lived on my own and be too particular about the way I have things- my space and my noise level tolerance? Would it just be better for me to live among others?

• Should I scrap all of this and move closer to home? I would love to be near my family- but honestly, Idaho is a horrible place to live as a single Mormon over 25.

You see? My mind is going so many different directions it's hard to make any decisions. So instead I just crack open a book with no intellectual value and pretend it's all gone away.