Have I told you today how much I hate online dating?

Not that anyone is keeping score- but I just thought I'd update you on the online dating (pa-tooie) situation. So... it turns out that when you sign up for the lame freebie sites, that they spam you with stuff in your message box to make you think that people actually want to talk to you. And lots of people set up fake sites to lure you to do stupid things- like give out your number. And the website itself sold my email address to all the most disgusting spammers that the Internet has to offer. So thanks for that.

Remember when I said guys were calling me beautiful and absolutely gorgeous and other such hyperboles? Well, they were not real. So the score for such compliments from men under the age of 60 (and over the age of 5) is still at zero (don't worry- I know I am amazing [and humble]... I'm just pointing out that no one has actually said those things to me).

I've deleted that particular profile. I'm still on the one I paid for. I'm really just waiting it out so my coworker will pay me back for doing it. That was the deal. If I get ONE date in the six months, he's off the hook. But I'm thinking so far I'm getting my money back. Plus I told him I was applying interest for pain and suffering.

So far though, anyone who has tried to talk to me- real or spam- has been a bit of a loser. Has the art of conversation been totally lost? Can no one form a coherent sentence anymore? Am I really just asking too much here?

What I think most of it boils down to- is that I don't seem to have anything in common with any of these guys. I like the outdoors, sure- but I'm not a camping, hiking, roughing it kind of gal- and that seems to be what they're all into. I'm not into hunting and cars. Are they really all into that? Or are they saying that because it makes them seem macho? Where are all the tall, smart, geeky guys who like to read and watch sci-fi (yet still shower regularly and can be in public without hyperventilating and having allergies to the sun). Maybe I really am asking too much here. I give up.

Pushing a Boulder

A couple of weeks ago I was home visiting the fam. I went to church with my parents and because it was the fifth Sunday, there was a combined meeting. I was afraid it'd be something dry like food storage- but instead, it was the other seemingly over taught lesson of missionary work.

Don't worry- this isn't going to be a preachy post. Stick with me and I'll make my point. I promise.

Having been a missionary I figured there was nothing they could say that would be new to me. I settled into my hard metal chair and prepared to zone out for 45 minutes. I don't know how those girls did it (did I mention they were Sister Missionaries?) but they actually held my attention.

They were talking about inviting. We've all been told over and over that it's not the missionaries job to find people to teach- it's the member's responsibility to do the inviting and the missionaries job to do the teaching. Notice- I didn't say converting. The Spirit of Truth does that. That's not our job- or theirs.

One of them told the story that I've heard over and over and over- heck, I've even shared this story over and over and over myself:

There was this man, he was very sickly and weak, he could accomplish very little.

Then this man had a real vision from God, he never doubted the vision was God..

He lived in a cabin in the mountains.

Out in front of his cabin was a huge boulder.

In his vision that he knew was from God ---

God told him to go out and push on that boulder every day for eight hours a day.

The first week was exciting, the second week he noticed little real change, the third week he measured the rock’s distance from the cabin, and daily he checked to see how far he had moved the rock.

After 6 weeks of seemingly useless pushing, he questioned his vision.

The man cried --- there has to be more.

He even questioned, I am not what I should be, or I could move this boulder, especially since God demonstrated for me to push on this rock.

One morning, as he went out to push the rock, he started crying and saw how useless 

his work really was, he couldn’t handle one rock?

There were many more all around.

As he sat down near the boulder, he was crying, angry, and bitter --- he had failed.

Jesus walked up and put his arm around the man and asked, Why are you crying?

The man said I have pushed with everything in me and the rock is in the same place as when I began.

Jesus said, I never told you to move the rock, I told you to push the rock.

Jesus let the man see himself, and Jesus said what do you see?

The man looked at himself and said I am stronger today than ever, the pushing the boulder has made my muscles grow, and I became a better man.

Yaaaaawn... right? You've heard it. You've read it- you've deleted it 50,000 times from your email. But for some reason that day, it stood out to me. They were saying that it is not our job to convert people- it is His. The only thing He's asked us to do is invite. We may be told "no" every single time- but that doesn't mean we stop inviting. It may hurt- and be tiring to invite, especially if you know you're going to be told No.

But Bakeshow, I thought you said this wasn't going to be preachy...?

You're right. I did say that. And here is where I make my point. I didn't get a lesson on missionary work that day (although the message is completely valid and I've already put it to good use in they way they intended) but instead, I got a lesson in dating; icky, horrible, make-you-feel-like-crap dating.

Remember how I feel about asking guys out? Well, with this whole new breakthrough I've been making- this dreaded, awful, freaking humiliating online dating (pa-tooie) crap that I've been doing- I've also been getting a little braver. Not much, mind you- but if you were to tell me even six months ago that I'd be making progress, I'd have laughed you into oblivion.

A few months ago I invited a friend to lunch. You'll never have any idea the anxiety that caused me. I can't even explain it to you. Surprisingly, that actually happened. He said yes- we went and it was actually really fun. AND it didn't kill me.  I've invited a few more times since then- and always received a No. Which is fine. Because the victory is in the invitation. I've found that asking is getting a little easier (granted, maybe it's time to find someone else to ask to see if the results vary a little because it's not much of a challenge if you KNOW the answer will be No and knowing you won't have to commit beyond asking).

After the initial invitation, a [different] friend of mine said something along those lines- that just asking was the success. That was a while ago though and sadly, I didn't take her words to heart- but after having heard this lesson, and then rethinking what she said, it's true. I am a huge, HUGE chicken. Even sticking my neck out a little terrifies me- so the more I do it, the less scary it should be. I'm not so immune to it yet that it doesn't still sting when I hear a No. It does- but I'm also learning (trying) to not take everything so personally.

So here I am- pushing my rock; this stupid rock that consists of talking to strangers and inviting people to do things. It's not going anywhere- but it's not my job to move it. As long as I keep trying- I'll get stronger and one of these days I'll recognize the victory that is within myself. I'm not looking for a husband- I'm looking for a little bit of back bone.

Online Dating is NOT a Contact Sport

All right all you online dater type people out there who have been encouraging this kind of behavior. I need your assistance.

For the first time the other day I had some guy IM me. All he wanted to talk about was my physical appearance and size of uhh... parts. The only reason I continued the conversation was because I found it absolutely hilarious how ridiculous he was being. When I confronted his inappropriateness and said, "Your questions are clearly making me uncomfortable and if you're any kind of gentleman you'll change the subject..." he changed the subject to kissing instead. 

So- because I'm honest and i have nothing to hide I admitted to being Empress of the VL Club. So like the true gentleman he obviously was- he offered to give me kissing lessons.

After I graciously declined, he asked for my number so we could text. Uhhhh... is there a nice way to say 

He got SO angry that I wouldn't give him my number. He wished me good luck being single because I won't take any chances. I said he was pouting because he wasn't getting his way...

(no, I don't know this baby. Thank you Google)

...and promptly blocked him from ever talking to me again.

After that I decided to give up on the LDS dating site. I mean- I paid for it- so I still have to stick with it at least till the money runs out (can you get a refund on that kind of stuff? seriously- biggest waste of money of my life).

I've had several people tell me I should try OkCupid- so on a ridiculous whim I signed up. I just copied and pasted everything I'd already written. Lazy?

I think so.

I had a couple of guys write to me right away- I felt very flattered. I've never had a single, straight under 65 male tell me I'm beautiful and "absolutely gorgeous." That's right. Just call me

I think I could get used to that kind of talk. 

They wrote to me first. One wanted to meet right away. Luckily I was working and couldn't go so I just asked him some questions about himself... you know like, "so what's up?" I didn't find that super invasive- but whenever I would try to start an actual conversation they all stop writing. They only wanted my number again. 

The only who would reply lives 5000 miles away and he could only reply in one sentence responses. I actually wrote him first. He's from a small town in England I visited when I was there. I left all kinds of room for open conversation. I don't care if I never meet you- it doesn't matter that I'm on the other side of the world- this is all about conversation, right? It's practice!

 

Anyway- What I want to ask you is... is it always like this? Because this sucks. It's seeming like an absolute waste of my time. The ones who contact me are just looking for 

And. That. Aint. Gonna. Happen.

If my life had a narrator

"I have the refrigerator of a 24 year old bachelor," she said as she looked for something to eat. She made a mental shopping list. It included pretty much anything in the store except ketchup, mustard, cheese slices and tortillas. Giving up on the fridge, she instead tried the freezer. The results weren't much better. Boxes of hot pockets that her mom had bought for her a couple of weeks ago only got in the way as she reached for a root beer flavored Popsicle. 

***

She sat on the couch watching American Ninja Warrior thinking, "These people are amazing." As she thought it, she scooped another bite of macaroni and cheese into her mouth and wondered if she had enough money to go buy ice cream later that day.

***

Her alarm went off. It's a happy sounding alarm. It wakes her up in a gentle way by singing a song from Sleeping Beauty. She rolled over, looked at the phone and hit snooze. She'd been having a strange dream and wanted to finish it. But by then she was too awake. She had the daily internal argument about whether or not to go to the gym. She'd already skipped twice this week, what difference would today make? In the end her conscience won out though. She peeled herself out of bed, put on her gym clothes, adjusted her fraggle style pig-tails and went.

***

The entire time the show How I Met Your Mother was on prime time she'd never seen an episode. Now that it was off air and on Netflix she thought she'd give it a try. In the two weeks it took her to watch eight seasons (she still hasn't seen the ninth season because it's not on Netflix yet), she learned things about life and dating that she'd never even considered before. The one that stood out the most to her was the "underwear radius." She decided she needed to try that theory out. Now that she was living alone it was totally permissible and the radius has been getting larger and larger.

***

Independence Day is one of her most favorite holidays. Not having anyone around to spend the holiday with, she packed an amazing picnic of chicken salad sandwiches and watermelon. She drove to the park and found the perfect spot. She chose a place down on the softball field. There were families all about, children running and dads chasing after them. "This is the perfect place for people watching," she said as she took out her iPad and played Candy Crush. Once her lives ran out, she sat at the edge of the crowd, eating her picnic dinner and watching people. She does pretty much everything solo these days so it didn't really bother her until it the light started waning and the empty grass filled up around her. It didn't seem to be more families moving in, but all young couples who, unlike the established families who brought lawn games to play, only sought recreation in rigorous rounds of tonsil hockey.  "This is awkward," she thought and pretended to be invisible.