Online daters prepare to be offended

I have a confession to make. I did something last week that I promised myself I would never EVER do. Like, Ever. Well... let me start off a different way. Last week I had an amazing dream. Probably the most amazing dream I've ever had- it wasn't icky- it wasn't... well, of all the dreams I tell you on this blog- I'm not going to tell you this one. It was a little bit... well... special (I hate to use the word "sacred" because it wasn't at all religious- but it was something really special to me and I just don't fee like sharing it with the entire world).

Anyway, momentarily dazed after this dream- ("momentarily" meaning days) I decided that I need to be more proactive in my singleness situation if I ever want to change that (which, I'm not entirely sure if I do- but in a moment of weakness, I thought I might consider it) and therefore (oh, Lord help me say this without shriveling up and dying of embarrassment) I signed up with an online dating site.

For those of you who have been reading along with me for a while- you know how I feel about online dating. But, for those in need of a refresher: I am not against it. For those people who engage in such activities- more power to you. Please don't be offended by anything further that I say. If you are the exception, then I'm happy for you! I am speaking from my personal experience (and that of people close to me) only.

I can't lie. The only reason I got on was to see who/what was available across the pond. I'm not interested in staying in Utah. Facts be known, I rather hate living here. BUT if there was some dashing gent three thousand miles away, well, you know, it is hard to meet people of the same faith allll the way over there- anyway, that's why I signed onto the site.

Over the next few days I got smiles and IM's and whatever the heck it is they do. I only had the free account- I wasn't a paying customer- so I couldn't talk to anyone anyway.  But call me judgmental (because we all know it's true) there was just no one I'd be interested in. In my experience, the guys who go online (and this is where the offensive part comes into play) just aren't quality. I guess it's my opinion that LDS guys should not have a hard time finding a date around here. Seriously. There are scads of amazing women around who are all probably too good for them, yet would still be willing to go out with them. There is no reason for an LDS man to be shopping online for a local women. All he has to do is strap on a pair and ask one out! Women, yes, I can see why they go online- pickin's are slim these days- but in very, very few cases that I know of, does it turn out well (and why is that? oh, because the women are amazing and the guys are just looking for the easy way out of finding a willing, good woman).

Rant over.

Anyway, it's not my thing. I just can't see myself... ugh... chatting with some random stranger online. Heck, I have a hard enough time chatting with perfect strangers in person. The anonymity of the Internet is supposed to be what makes it easier... but I think it adds so much more doubt. How can you trust that the person is who they say they are? and not some crazy sleaze bucket just out to prey on vulnerable women who honestly trust what they are being told? At least in person you have a slightly better chance of picking up on red flags and making personal conclusions.

Long story short I deleted the account today. I gave it a week. But it made my stomach cringe every time I opened my email and saw "you have new matches" or "crazycreep sent you a wink" Gag. I just want to throw up thinking about it. But, I felt I had to confess it to you.

I hope we can still be friends.

This post is brought to you by the numbers 3 and 5

This, oh readers, is my 350th post. Whaaaat? I know, right?

Since this is post 350, and I'm 35 years old (ouch... that hurt a little) I thought I would commemorate this post by sharing 35 random things about myself. Hopefully you don't already know all of them.

1. Growing up my nickname was Binzer. I guess it was some guy on the show Vega$ and my sister Kim looooooved him- and therefore proceeded to call her baby sister after him. She still calls me- and is the only person allowed to do so- Bin. Seriously- if you try to call me Binzer, I'll kick you in the teeth.
2. I hate dusting furniture. First of all- just the name of the chore is weird. I'm like Amelia Bedilia- to me "dusting the furniture" sounds like going around and putting dust on it instead of taking it off. It should be called undusting.
3. I got in trouble all the time in elementary school for day dreaming. On all my report cards it said, "[Bakeshow] is a pleasure to have in class, but she spends too much time day dreaming."
4. If I wasn't getting in trouble for daydreaming, I was getting in trouble for talking. No matter who I sat next to, I got in trouble for talking. I could talk to anyone.
5. I was in a school wide geography bee in 6th grade. I was in the top three in my class and then the had a competition between 5th and 6th grade in front of the whole school. I was eliminated on my first question and ran into the hallway and bawled and bawled. A 5th grader won.
6. Once I punched a girl in the back. She was bullying me and I was too scared to punch her in the face so when she turned, I punched her in the back. I was- and still am- a coward. Especially when it comes to confrontation. It didn't hurt her- and luckily her bus came or she would have turned and beat the snot out of me. I don't even remember her name.
7. I have not missed a day in 11 years of writing in my journal. They say good girls keep journals- bad girls don't have time. Trust me- I have allllll the time in the world. It's a shame though, I lead such a mundane life. If I had something worth recording it might be more impressive.
8. (This one will come as a shock to you all- are you sitting down?) I don't take rejection well. If I truly care what you think, and you don't like me, or something I have produced, your negative opinion will speak louder to me than the 300 people who gave me positive praise.
9. I love turbulence on a flight. To me, a flight without turbulence is a waste. It's like a free roller coaster ride in the sky! I'm not at all afraid of crashing because if I'm in an airplane, that means I'm traveling and traveling is my favorite-est thing in the world so I know I'd die happy.
10. One time I broke my sister-in-law's finger. It was Thanksgiving and we were playing Lightening in the gym at the church. As she reached for her ball, I reached up with my ball to bounce hers away. Her pinkie got caught in between the balls and broke. She never did get it looked at so to this day her pinkie is crooked. (sorry, Lisa)
11. My niece Jenna was born while I was living in Irvington, NJ. When I called home that night to talk to my brother he asked how Jersey was treating me. My reply was, "I just heard gunshots outside my door. Don't tell mom, she'll get mad." And he never did. I didn't tell her about it until after I was home.
12. The first time I ever traveled by myself was a trip I took to see a friend in San Francisco. I was 22 and scared to death and I had a layover in Phoenix. When my flight finally got into Oakland it was about one a.m. I told her my flight arrived at one and she thought I meant Mountain time- so she didn't leave her house until one to pick me up. She lived an hour away. The terminal at the Oakland Airport closes at night (or at least it used to) so I had to sit out on a curb in the middle of the night in Oakland, California waiting for my friend. The very nice custodian kept an eye on me until my friend arrived.
13. When I was 15 I was in a city talent show. I sang "On My Own" from Les Mis. I was three weeks away from being 16. When the MC introduced me, he said, "Now this next girl, she's almost 16, but she looks like she's 28..." That really hurt my feelings. No one wants to look almost twice their age. So now when someone tells me that they think I'm in my 20's, I wonder what the difference is now that I look so young- as compared to then when I looked "old".
14. On my senior year choir tour, I sprained my ankle the last day. I was playing double dutch jump rope and -I'm not sure if it was on purpose or not- the person swinging the rope tripped me. Those in charge didn't want to spoil the perfect record of an entire tour without a trip to the ER so they wouldn't take me to be seen. The next day, I got off the bus and crawled across a parking lot to get to a phone. I couldn't walk at all and no one would help me (I was not one of the more sought after people in high school). Finally on my way back to the bus, the choir teacher and one other student offered to help me back to the bus. I was on crutches for two weeks and earned the "jump rope klutz" award at the choir end of year party.
15. If the icons on my computer screen at work are not in the right order, I have to close down all the programs and re-open everything in the right order. It drives me nuts to have them randomized.
16. I don't have a favorite flower. That's like asking me to pick a favorite food. There are just too many that I love. But I am quite partial to roses, fuschia (especially white and purple double petaled), hibiscus and bright blue hydrangeas.
17. Rapunzel is my favorite Disney princess. When we went last year and we were watching the parade, I started crying when the song, "At last I see the Light" started to play and Rapunzel's float went by. But I didn't go wait in line for an hour to meet her.
18. When I was less than a year old, my family did not have a dining room table. We sat on the floor of the dining room, picnic style. One day, while we were at dinner, the doorbell rang. It was our new dining room table being delivered. Everyone jumped up and rushed to the door to see it- and left baby Bakeshow all alone. I crawled around and ate, played in, or sat in everyone's dinner. Somewhere there is a picture of baby me covered in carrots and potatoes.
19. When I was baptized, my dad told me, "When you come out of the water, smile." I was very prepared for it. But my hair was long and in a single braid. After my dad said the baptismal prayer, he dunked me- I felt him bringing me up a little so I prepared to take a breath. I guess my hair floated up to the top and to be sure I was totally immersed, he pushed me down farther. So when I came out of the water, I couldn't smile because I was choking.
20. I used to have pen pals all over the country. I had one in Stockton, Ca, one in Palm Beach, Fl (which if I knew then what I knew now about crazy people on the Internet- I wouldn't have done it. Who knows who I was writing to..?) and one in Boise, Id (but I actually knew her).
21. I'm still a little bit afraid of the dark. I can't sleep if I have toes hanging over the end of the bed. I have to curl up and not touch any edges.
22. To Kindergarten Bakeshow, the greatest thing in the whole world was the sandbox. Every day I would hurry to do my seat work so I could be the first one to the sandbox. There was only room for four kids- so if other kids finished before me I was devastated. To this day I loooooove playing in sand. Even if it's just to run my fingers through it. And when I went to Hawaii, I made sure to take time to look at the individual grains of sand, to appreciate their beauty, and recognized the fact that I am probably the only human being who will ever look at that grain of sand.
23. I am a stickler for tradition, especially ancient tradition. When I was at school in England, there were certain doorways and patches of lawn that only Fellows and Graduates were allowed to walk through/on. It made me sooo angry when my American classmates disregarded the centuries old traditions of the school and showed them no respect.
24. Speaking of School in England' I once held the door open for Steven Hawking and his entourage. He is a fellow at Gonville and Caius (pronounced KEYS) College and was leaving at the same time as me so I held open the gate for him.
25. When I was little, I was scared by the movies The Hobbit (the Rankin Bass animated version), The Secret of Nimh, and Time Bandits. I'm sure if I watched these movies now I would laugh at how silly they are, but they caused many a nightmare for me (especially Time Bandits).
26. If time travel ever became possible, I don't know where I would go first. I would LOVE to go to ancient Egypt (hell, I'd love to go to modern Egypt), to Georgian England, Victorian England and Palmyra, NY 1830. I also think I'd like to go to the ancient America's somewheres around autumn of 33 AD.
27. I don't speak Spanish- but sometimes I dream in Spanish- or at least what my dream perceives to be Spanish. I also dream in black and white sometimes.
28.  My first job was working at Fred Meyer in the apparel department. I was 16 and made $4.80 an hour (that's a nice story, grandma). I worked there for eight years and worked my way through the shoe department, cashiering, service desk and finally ended as Operations PIC. I made $10.80 an hour when I left. So when people tell me that $10 an hour is a crappy hourly wage- it just baffles me because I had to work really hard to get to that point.
29. Most people know their cousins inside and out. I have some cousins that I have not met more than five times in my life and I don't have many cousins. I have some friends who have more cousins on one side than I do all combined.
30. I refused to eat rice until I was over 25 years old. I hated rice growing up. One of the reasons I left so late on my mission was because I was afraid I'd be sent somewhere they'd make me eat rice. My bishop at the time told me to humble myself, get over it and go. A few years later I did. The first time I had to eat rice was at an investigator's house- she surprised us with a dinner of rice and beans. As we said the dinner prayer, I said my own prayer that I'd be able to eat it and not gag. I ate it- it was wonderful- and I haven't been able to get enough rice since. I could eat rice everyday and be happy.
31. I have never had a Valentine, but I still try to celebrate Valentine's day. Even if it just means watching a sappy movie and eating popcorn and M&M's (my go-to movie food). But every year I get something from my mommy. No matter where I am in the world, she sends me a Valentine care package.
32. I bought a ticket to see Shrek the musical. I'm so excited that I can't even type that sentence without giggling a little. I've seen clips of some of the songs on YouTube and I think it looks so stinking cute.
33. Once I tried to watch the Superbowl by myself- just to see what it was all about. I fell asleep. So now, on Superbowl Sunday, I celebrate by watching football themed movies (ie We Are Marshall, or Remember the Titans).
34. My favorite word is "Indubitably" and I use it as often as I can. The best time ever was when I was at a party and the host introduced me to another guest, "This is my friend, Bakeshow. She likes to use big words." To which I replied, "Indubitably." It fit so perfectly and I was so proud of myself for being clever on the spot!
35. I look at the website Cake Wrecks every day. I always pray that one of my cakes won't appear on there- but then again, I secretly almost hope one does.

Whew! That was a lot to get through! Aren't you glad I chose only 35 over the 350 I *could* have done?

The Forbidden List

I once had a Stake President who told us not to make "wish lists" for what we wanted in a future companion. So, I tore up all the lists that my Young Women's leaders had told me to write during my Personal Progress years, and since then, I've tried really hard not to make lists. But let's be real. We all have lists. With every inch of sincerity I possess- I hope that all of you dear readers found someone who fulfilled- or even exceeded your list.  As I get older, my list gets more and more detailed and specific. I don't have any real dating experience, but I've been around my friend's and families marriages to know what I do and don't want. If you have a high opinion of me (snrfff) and don't want to lose that- you maaaaaaay want to stop reading, because the rest of this post will reveal what a shallow snob I am.

The absolute musts

• He must be an active, temple attending member of the LDS church. There was a time when I thought- "naaaah... I could be with someone who is a member of a different faith" but I've seen too many marriages on the rocks because of that very fundamental lifestyle choice (yes- being Mormon is a lifestyle choice- not just a faith base). True- not every member of the LDS church is amazing. I've met some real crap-heads, trust me. My own grandfather was a child molesting son of a... well... anyway, I am just trying to illustrate that I am not holding LDS people above member of other faiths. There are jerks in every church. I have met some absolutely amazing Muslims, Buddhists, Agnostics, Atheists, Jewish, Hindus and "traditional" Christians- but again- being LDS is a lifestyle, not just a faith and I want someone who lives the same lifestyle.
• He must have a job. A good job. An actual career. Especially at this time in life. None of this, "my husband can't keep a job" or "he is starting his career over again at 35 and again at 38 and one more time at 40." Just... No. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy. I don't mind working. In fact, I'd kind of like to because I don't think I have the attention span to be a housewife, but I don't want to be the bread-winner.
• He has to be educated. I need someone I feel I am on an equal footing with. Not that I'm exceptionally gifted in the brain department- but sometimes I really feel like I have to dumb down my conversation. I get made fun of for my vocabulary all the time- people think I'm pretentious- when really, I'm just the kind of person who knows the meaning of words and puts them to proper use.
• He absolutely has to be tolerant of my obsessions. It would be nice if he shared them- but I'm ok if he doesn't share my love of Doctor Who and Harry Potter. But I can't handle being mocked because of the silly things that I like.
• He has to love Disney. It is part of who I am. It's part of my past, present and future. He doesn't have to be able to challenge me at Disney Trivia- but he has to be accepting of the fact that I'm the kind of person who cries when she goes to Disneyland because it's just so magical and my happy place. He can't roll his eyes when I go to the theater and cry at the end of movies like Tangled and Toy Story (and at the beginning of movies like Up).
• He HAS to be clean. I mean- he showers regularly- and wears clean, well fitting clothes. He knows how to dress- I'm not talking name brand trendy spend a zillion dollars on a tee shirt kind- but there are so many guys out there who just stink- and don't care what they look like, who wear dumpy raggedy clothes. My mythological man cares what he looks- and smells like.

Things that are negotiable

• It would be really nice if he was from the UK. First of all- the accents there are dead sexy. And it would be even better if he was from Scotland- because otherwise my tartan wedding where the men are wearing kilts (oh, hell yes they will be wearing kilts) might get awkward. So it really would be better for everyone if he was already from there and kilt wearing and bagpipes in the background didn't raise eyebrows.
• It would be nice if he was taller than me. I already feel like a monster, I would like someone who makes me feel feminine, and towering over your man... well... it may work for some- but it makes me feel even more like a beast.
• It would be nice if he could sing- or play the piano- or a combination of the two.
• I would be quite pleased if he was a romantic. I'm not talking the poem spouting, constantly hovering kind- in fact, that bugs me. "I'm not a girl for sentimental tripe, I never go for the Romeo type" [ten points to the person who can tell me what movie that song is from], but if he could remember things that I like and somehow work them in to special occasions... I dunno... maybe that kind of guy only exists in books.
• I would prefer a man who likes to travel. I want to see the world- and I intend upon doing so. It would be nice if he came with me.
• If he liked cats I wouldn't be at all sad. I've never had a dog. I could probably do a dog- but I really do like cats. But this isn't required because lately I've just seen pets as one more thing to be sad about when they die/leave me. Plus they kind of stink and make a mess and ruin furniture... ok, nevermind. Forget I even mentioned animals. If he wants a fish, he can have one- as long as he cleans the tank.
• I hope and pray that his family is normal. My number one reason for being glad I'm single is the fact that I don't have in-laws. I hear absolute horror stories from almost all my friends. Ugh... not looking forward to that. Not even a little. But- even if his family is nuts-o, I can't hold it against him if he really is the one for me. Just like he can't hold it against me that my family is uhhh... well... like me.
• It would be nice if he looked like/was Richard Armitage (ok, not really- but I'm just throwin' the idea out there- you know, just in case).

So if you know anyone who fits this description, send him my way.

And when you do find him, tell him to bring his pet unicorn and we'll go for a ride over the rainbow to visit the leprechauns in Narnia.

Minnie Party

So- Even though I have a big mouth- Melanie still never caught onto the party (either that, or she totally knew about it but was trying to spare my feelings).

Earlier in the day, I took Kim to get her hairs did. I got mine done at the same time. Mine was only a root touch up and then I had her straighten it- nothing exciting- but Kim? Wow. She had hers thinned out and colored in the trendy ombre style. The before and after pics are amazing.

(I'm not entirely sure why I look so weird in these pictures. Perhaps because the photographer [Melanie] is so much shorter..? and the before picture I was trying to look serious... but I just ended up looking like I'm trying not to ralph. OOOOOR it could be because I actually am weird looking- but I prefer to assume it's the first reason)

That night, I made my sisters go pick up pizza. I thought for sure this would tip Mel off- that we were getting her out of the house. I told her "I had some things to do" and she thought I just needed to do laundry or something.

My cousins and aunt helped me throw everything together really quickly. My aunt had made the cupcakes beforehand- but I hurried and made the frosting and decorated them. Pinky set the table and Squeak decorated the walls and put together my new cupcake stand.

On Facetime, I called my sister in law in Boise. She wanted to be in on the party too. As we waited for Mel to come back in, everyone put on their Mouse ear hats. Even JaNeil and Donaven put their ears on so they could be part of it too. I held my iPad up so she could see when Mel came through the door (hence, no pictures of the actual surprise).

Mel was very surprised and we at lots of pizza and cupcakes and opened presents (this year's theme was Disney Villains) and after everyone of school age and their parent or guardian left/went to bed, we played games all night.  

It seriously was such a fun weekend. Today was back to reality. In the next four weeks I have one full day off- and it's a Sunday (which means it's not reeeeally a day off because I have get to wake up and go to church). So by about day nine, if you want to come anywhere near me- you'd better be holding a baby animal and/or a box of thin mints to distract me.

Failed attempts

Today my sisters and I tried to get into a movie playing for the Sundance Film Festival. We've been waiting for this movie for two years! It's called Austenland, based on a book by Shannon Hale. It's a freaking hilarious book- and an Austen-adict must! (especially if no man will ever live up to your idea of Mr. Darcy). Anyway, due to a slow start today (coughKimcough), we weren't able to get into the movie. They only give out 100 standby tickets and by the time we got there, there were at least 150 people in line.  We were all pretty sad- but comforted by the fact that Sony bought the rights to the movie and it will probably be released later this year- and if nothing else, will make it to video.

So, instead of going to the movie we planned on- we walked downtown to the Planetarium. Umm.. it's cold outside. There is snow on the ground. And I forgot to bring the blanket I promised my sometimes-wheelchair bound sister. Idiot! (if I knew of a way to attach that to a clip of Napoleon Dynamite saying that- I'd totally do it) We watched an interesting yet short film in the Dome theater, took Trax to the city center and consoled ourselves at the Disney Store.

Melanie's birthday is coming up. Not living near home, I miss out on a lot of birthdays. So today- I decided to throw her a birthday party while she's here. I went to the store this morning while they were getting ready and bought a ton of stuff for a birthday party. (Mel doesn't read my blog so I can say this pre-party) and swore everyone to secrecy; my aunt, my six year old cousin- everyone.

At the Disney store I bought a bunch of stuff to give Melanie- only to turn around and find out that she was in fact planning on purchasing all the same items. So I had to tell her I bought it for her. What I didn't have to tell her- was that I was going to wrap them up and give them to her so act surprised when I do. Baaaaasically giving away the fact that I'm throwing her a party. Idiot! I am usually so tight lipped about surprises- that even Kim was shocked when those words tumbled out of my big, fat gob.

After our sojourn downtown, we came back home and just lounged about having an electronic device party. Kim was on her Galaxy, Mel on my laptop and I on my iPad- spending time together- but not really. Anyway, my sister-in-law and her boys called us on Facetime. So all sitting on my bed, we huddled together to all be seen in the picture at the same time.

AAAAAAAand that's when the bed frame broke.

I hope tomorrow when I wake up-  my brain wakes up with me.