Going my way? Not so much.

I feel like I have absolutely no control in my life right now. None. It just seems that everything is going wrong.

A month ago I was doing great at work- things were really looking up in my life.

• Someone I love who's been sick and off work for six months was doing better and back to work,
• I'd found the perfect apartment. Perfect size, perfect price. A little ghetto- but I can work with that.
• I was positive I was going to get the promotion I was going for- which meant if for some reason I couldn't get into the first, less expensive apartment, I would be able to afford the nicer apartment I was looking at (oh man, it was beautiful!!!)
• I had a reason to look forward to work because there was someone there that I could flirt with- and everyone around me assured me he was flirting- and not just being nice (remember, I honestly don't know the difference- and I'll tell you why later) so my giddiness went through the roof. Seriously- we're talking I made my teenage nieces look mature. (Hi there, girls!)
• I finally- FINALLY had some friends to go out and do some things with

And then out of nowhere the cosmos decided that I just shouldn't be that happy.

• Cancer re-entered the picture (I hate, loathe despise and abominate cancer. I want cancer to die!!!)
• The possibility of cancer on another family member was pre-diagnosed if the current medical condition isn't gotten under control
• A diagnosis of ADHD Bi-polar disorder on yet another loved one
• The guy is married- we'll just leave it at that. Turns out I was right all along and he was just being nice. It's not that I can't tell the difference- it's just that they are never flirting. How can I express this in a way that you'll understand? Men. Don't. Flirt. With. Me. I'm sure he was just excited to meet someone who was happy to talk about the same dumb things he's interested in. I'm not angry at him in the least- he did nothing wrong. It was my own stupidity and allowing myself to be guided by the opinions of others- opinions that I really wanted to believe were true- but I knew all along they weren't. I knew he was married. I met his wife for crying out loud- but I let other people convince me he was not and that she must have been something else. My own stupidity, people. My very own.
• I can't get the landlord from the first apartment to call me back. I have a feeling that's never going to happen. I text at least once a week for an update and I've not heard back from her in almost three.
• I didn't get the promotion (the person who got it was also very deserving and I'm glad that if it couldn't be me, that it was her because I really, really like her).
• That means I can't afford the backup apartment.

Writing this all out seems so petty and so small (except for the family stuff- that's pretty big). I must seem like quite a whanny pants to you.  To top it all off- today is my two year anniversary of moving to Utah. I was supposed to live with my aunt for a max of six months. Six. Months. It's been two years. And while I'm eternally grateful to her for letting me live here- even though I haven't been the best housemate to her- I still can't help but feel my independence and self confidence ebbing away.  I still have my friends though and they have their sacks of problems too. It's nice to get together and let them vomit their problems on me so that it doesn't seem like I'm the only person in the world who just can't seem to get life to go her way.

I know that somewhere in all of this there is some lesson to be learned- that's what trials are for, right? Well can't I just peak in the back of the book and get the answer and move on? I'm pretty done with this portion of life right now. I just want my family healthy and happy and for me to have my own space where I can walk between the bathroom and bedroom in my underwear if I want. I really don't think that's asking too much.

You say Morbid- I say Entertaining

I have been working on a website for a friend at work. When I called to see if he got my email full of edits and ask whether or not he was going to used them (because I only got through half the site and I don't like doing things by halves- but seriously if he's not going to use them then there is no sense in finishing, right?) as i had time this weekend to finish it.

He said, "Take the weekend off! Go out and do something fun- have a drink!"

Me: "uhhh... I don't drink."

Him : "Well then go drink something caffeinated."

Me: "Ummm.. I don't drink caffeine."

Him: "Seriously? Then what do you do for fun? Either way- take the weekend off and go do something fun."

Sigh... Ok. So that threw me for a loop. What could I do that was fun? I'm poor- and any friends that I've created here either have lives outside of work or they work on the opposite weekend as me. But I was determined to do something- because if he asks and all I can say is, "I stayed home and watched movies at ate till my head fell off..." I'll sound really lame.

I get tired of going to movies and plays alone. I still do it- but it's starting to get old. I couldn't go home because I was called as the new Gospel Doctrine teacher for Sunday School and I had to be here to prepare a lesson and teach it.

It was beautiful and all I really wanted to do was do something outside. I don't know where any hiking trails are- and I wouldn't want to go alone anyway in case something happened. I wasn't feeling particularly cultural so I didn't feel like a museum.

What could I do that was outside- and yet safe and fun to do alone? I went to my favorite cemetery. The Salt Lake City Cemetery is honestly the most beautiful American Cemetery I have ever seen- and I looooove cemeteries so I tend to check them out wherever I go.

I didn't take this- but you can see how gorgeous the view is- and this isn't

even the prettiest part of the cemetery

It's high in the Avenues in North Salt Lake. If you find a spot in between the trees you can see out over the whole valley. It really is beautiful. It's also the oldest cemetery in Salt Lake. There are several notable people from LDS church history buried there. The older section is of course full of pioneers and early settlers of the state. (Brigham Young is not there- he is in a more private cemetery a few blocks from Temple Square)

There are several Church Presidents and whole sections of folks from all over the world. It's fun because a lot of the monuments will say Born in ... whatever foreign city.... and Died in Salt Lake City, Ut.

But that's not why I love cemeteries. Have I ever talked about this before? I can't remember if I have or not. I love cemeteries because they are FULL of stories. Every single one of those people has a story. I like to try to imagine what it was. Were they happy? Was their life a living hell? Did they marry for love? Did they marry out of desperation? Did he beat his wife? Was she a mild mannered woman or did she stand up for what she believed?  Did they have children? Did they have siblings? This one died young- why? Was it disease or accident? How many children did they bury along the trail- or in other places? How did they feel to leave their families and come west? Why did they come to Utah in the first place? How did they fit in in the community?

Seriously- there are so many questions and I absolutely love playing that game. Some people think I'm really morbid for doing that- but I don't think so. The whole reason we erect monuments and have grave markers is because people want to be remembered. We don't want the world to continue as if we were never here. Even if no one we know will ever see our grave- or perhaps even know we're there- it's the last ditch effort to say "I was here". And although I don't know any of these people (well, there are two people that I know of who are buried there whom I have seen in person), in some way I am remembering them. I'm reading their names and life dates. Some of them have quotes on them encouraging us to enjoy what we have- or to remind us that life is precious.

If you really concentrate, you can feel the pain and anguish the mothers felt over each of those little stones marking the graves of children. You can almost see the mother kneeling at the graveside- crying in agony at the loss of her child- whether it was stillborn or a teenager.

There is a whole section of veteran graves. That part is always beautiful and I love to pay my respects and say Thank You to those who died so that I could have my freedom.

I was there for a few hours. I'm determined to make it all through that cemetery but I've still barely made a dent. There are whole sections I've yet to make it to and wonder about the people there. Their stories are just waiting.

So yeah- I did go out and do something fun. You perhaps might not think so- but that was probably the most peaceful, cleansing time I've spent (outside the temple) in a really long time. I got a lot of serious crying done while I was there and some good hiking (because yes, that cemetery is a really good hike! It's very hilly) both of which I really needed.

As for the rest of the weekend? well... that part's not so exciting. Let's suffice it to say that the dog is gone. His proper owners were found and he had to be returned. It's a pretty sad household right now. Even I am a little sad about it. He was just starting to warm up to me in company (he only liked me before if I was the only one home).  I'm sure a new one will move in before long.

PS- if you ever come to Salt Lake and want a tour of the Cemetery- I am happy to oblige! I love showing people around and playing Mormon Tour Guide! There is even often music involved!

Happy Birthday, Dream Man

I don't know where in the world you are. I have no idea what kinds of things you find interesting to talk about. I don't know if you chew with your mouth open, or grind your teeth-

but the Richard that I have made you out to be in my head is perfect. And I really want to meet you- but then again I hope I never do because I don't want the delusion that I have formed in my mind to be ruined.


You're beautiful.



Your kind heart,



 your gentle demeanor,



 your incredible talent,



your eyes,



your smile,



your voice, ... sigh...

I love you.





Happy Birthday.

Take Me out to the Beeeees Game....

I'm on this new kick that I need to make friends and get out of the house once in a while. Weird, right?

A couple of weeks ago at work they started advertising the summer work party. I usually don't go because they always seem pretty family oriented (bouncy castles and whatnot) so I don't go. But this year they decided to take us all downtown to see the local Minor League Baseball game!

I didn't even know Salt Lake had a team anymore! Tickets were really cheap and it was for admission to the game and to a special dinner for employees. I tried to get a seat near some of my co-workers but because I bought my ticket at a different time I didn't get the same row. It turned out just fine because I was right in front of them and it's easier to sit in a group than in a line anyway.

I was planning to take TRAX which was really scary because I've never taken it here before. I mean- I've been on lots of trains- but not these ones. I thought the flier said we had to be there at 5:30 so I hopped on the 5:15 train thinking I'd get there a little before six-ish. I didn't want to be the weirdo who showed up super early. No such luck. I guess they don't even open the doors until 6:00 and the train was a lot faster than I planned.

So there I was, this lone loser standing in front of the first base entrance. I was going to stand around and wait for a face I knew to go in with- but soon after the doors opened, hunger won out and I entered and found our food pavilion. I was staaaaaaaaaarving. I was so busy working on other stuff all day that I never had time to eat more than a handful of goldfish crackers and a bowl of grapes. I ate the best hot dog I think I've ever had (either that or I was sooo hungry it just tasted really good) and was eventually joined by some coworkers.

After we ate, we found our seats and waited for the game. Long story short- the Bees lost. By a lot. But it was still so much fun. I haven't laughed that much in a really long time! We had a running joke that if the Bees lost I'd have to move tomorrow because the last baseball game I went to was the Rockies game the day before I moved from Denver- and they lost that game. So I really wanted them to win because I just don't have time to move tomorrow. I guess I'd better start packing.

Ana and her daughter Kristina were a riot. They were so much fun to be around and I'm pretty sure they think I am an absolute nut job now. I had been telling a really long story- and by the end of it was so thirsty I was about to die. Ana was nice enough to buy me a lemonade. But either that lemonade was pure sugar- or she laced it with something because after that I became a maniac. I was allllll over the place. It was the old Bakeshow times seven. It was crazy. But we all had so much fun!

Megan and Yumi came about halfway through the game. It was fun to be with my single girls! Yeeeah!  And to cap off the night- we caught (I say "we" because the ball bounced around a lot and we all had a hand on it at one time... and some other things... sorry Megan- totally didn't mean to get fresh with you) a foul ball. Yumi's son got to keep the ball! He was so excited!!!

Ana was taking the picture and she kept saying, "You're not smiling- you're not smiling!" So I smiled as big as I could and said, "I'm smiling! Take the freaking picture!" and this is what we got.

On the TRAX ride home, I just got the inner giggles at the people I was riding with. I was the only girl as far as I could tell on the train. One guy was so intense in conversation about Star Wars- that he totally missed his stop. The other one was talking about how he gets his licence back in January. He lost it for 18 months (my guess is DUI... anyone else have a guess?) He had his crappy bike with him because his good bike was stolen (probably while he was drunk). And the old man sitting behind me started scratching like he had fleas. At that point I leaned forward as far as I could without falling out of my seat and just hoped the ride would end soon.

The sugar high lasted till about the 8th inning and then it slowly started ebbing away. The crash hit somewhere around the 9th. I was ready to go- but we'd stayed that long- might as well finish the game. You can see in the pictures how many people were there at first and after every inning more and more people left. I"m glad I stayed. It was a really fun night and I'm excited to hang out with them all again!

Hooray for making friends and having a life!!!

Misogynist Much?

So- I just have to tell you an experience I had last week. I won't go into details because it doesn't shine favorably on the other party involved and some of you know this person.

Anyway- I was in a conversation with two others, A and M. *every* time I tried to speak, A tried to finish my sentences. I haven't known this person long enough for him to do that. He had no idea what I was trying to say. So I said, "let me finish a freaking sentence." Twice I had to say this because he just kept interrupting.

He looked shocked and said, "I'm sorry. The women in my life, my wife and mother, they like to be interrupted." I thought- that's crap- but since I don't know them I didn't press the issue. Then a while later he said to me, "you know, I have a degree in communications and it's a fact that women like to be interrupted."

At this I got SO angry I could hardly contain it. But because I am a grown up, I did. I took a deep breath, walked up to him and put my finger in his face and said, " *I* have a degree in communications and THAT is total crap!" and I walked off before I slapped his face.

There's a lot more he's said and done- but I can't say more without totally giving away who it is and I have to be careful who reads my blog (sad huh?).

Between him, and the stupid old man at the gym- I just don't have many nice things to say about the male half of the species right now. Except for the one that I spend all my time trying not to think about and wondering if he's married and has four kids or if it's permissible for me to have a crush on him. I'm trying really hard to be careful of my heart- but sometimes, this happens.

And in a totally unrelated male involved incident:

I was at work yesterday. During a slow moment I was Google-ing some Dr Who stuff for a girl at work who is throwing a Who party. I generally try not to let management see me online- I mean, we all do it- but I try not to be TOO obvious about it (as opposed to the girls who blatantly spend their entire day on KSL classifieds shopping for stuff). Anyway, I was looking at pictures of marshmallow Adipose when the Security manager walked up.

Him: Doctor Who, huh?

Me: Yup

Him: So are you a fan? do you like the new stuff or the old stuff?

Me: OMGYOUWATCHDOCTORWHOLETSTALKABOUTITNONSTOPUNTILISCAREYOUAWAYANDYOUNEVERWANTTOSPEAKTOMEAGAIN!

Him: [slowly backs away] Ok, well talk to you later.

Sigh... So close.

Summer Lovin' had me a blaa-aast...

Now that I have that stuck in your head-

Let me share with you my favorite highlights of the summer (it's not entirely over [I hope I hope I hope] but with the desire to buy school supplies and new clothes it feels like it maybe coming to an end)

• Going to Disneyland. Well, duh.

I would post more about this- but you've already seen enough, I'm sure.

• Going to the Payson Scottish Festival

Umm... hello! Men in kilts as far as the eye can see and bagpipe music constantly floating through the air? Yes please!

• The fact that I *finally* have a tan line on my feet- which means I was outside for more than five seconds!

I don't have a picture- it's not dark enough to photograph- and I'm afraid to take a shower just in case it washes off and isn't really a tan line at all!

• Seeing my Jessica and eating the most wonderful Indian food in Pocatello!

 Seriously- this place is soooooooo yummy. Either that or I just don't get out to Indian food often enough to compare. But I'm seriously already craving going back.

• Also- I just happened to be at home for the Chubbuck Scottish Games

So I got to see it TWICE (sadly, no bagpipes at that one though- it wasn't a festival, just the games in conjunction with the town's yearly... party? toilet paper parade? reason to tear up the park and spread candy to people on the side of the street like they're tossing feed to chickens? (any town that has a town celebration that only lasts till three in the afternoon... well... I'll stop there. Yay for my hometown :-/ )

• Laying out on the trampoline watching shooting stars and talking about boys with my 16 year old niece

and it wasn't just her talking- I shared my own idiocies (incidentally, how many times does it take telling yourself you do *not* have a crush on someone before you actually believe it?) and frustrations. We didn't talk about just boys. We talked about life in general and the total unpredictability of it. I try not to be a downer when I talk to my nieces- but I do try to be real like I wish someone had been real with me.

• And finally- getting to spend some time with my super cute baby nephews.

I just can't tell you what good boys they are. They're just so sweet and they don't throw tantrums (often) and they just play so well together and are so freaking CUTE! Not that my other niecephews aren't cute too- but I see them a lot more often than these two little ones so it was special to get to spend extra time with them.

 

For someone who has complained that she hasn't done anything this summer- It's been a pretty good summer. :) I guess I can't complain too loudly. There were other fun highlights- seeing my friend, Heather and catching up with other friends from far, far away- so don't you all feel left out now! You contributed to making great memories!

More Letters

Dear Friend Who is having a really bad day... nay... month... nay... year,

I love you. I know you don't want to talk about it with everyone who is concerned about you, but just know that I love you and think about you all the time and if anyone in this world deserves to be happy, it's you.


Dear Gardening People,

Don't forget that the 8th of this month is National Leave Zucchini on Your Neighbor's Porch Night. If I grew zucchini I would celebrate this every year.

ps- The reason I *don't* grow zucchini is because I don't eat it- so don't get any ideas about wasting your fresh garden veggies on me.


Dear Co-Workers

I'm bringing you cupcakes tomorrow just because I feel like it. I hope you appreciate it because even with the AC blowing full blast, it was still 10,000 degrees in this house.

ps- I also burnt my favorite finger. For you. You'd better be grateful!


Dear Writers of Superhero movies,

You're slipping. You spend all your time thinking of ways for the characters to kill each other- and don't actually give them real reasons to *want* to kill each other. No one has redeemable qualities any more. "Why should I root for a guy who kills just as many people as the "bad guy?"


Dear Old Man at the Gym,

Let me recap today's conversation:

You: You're an inspiration. My wife was as big as you if not bigger all our married life. "the battle of the bulge," she called it. Ever since she had our first child she was big. She never even tried, so it's nice to see you here and at least trying to be healthy. You're doing a good job.

Me: Ummm... thank you.

[this is where you put your hand on my shoulder]
You: how many kids do you have?

Me: um... none.

You: Oh! Are you married?

Me: No.

[this is where you took your hand *off* my shoulder as if I was suddenly covered in poisonous slime]
You: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Me: I'm not.

You: Well, my aunt was one of those "Hollywood types." She lived till she was 93 and her biggest regret was that she didn't have anyone to take care of her. You don't want to turn out the same.

Now that we've recapped, let me just say- I am too polite to say to you what I wanted to say. I'm not entirely sure what you meant by "Hollywood types" But just because YOU got married at age 12 (or whatever) doesn't mean that there is something wrong with those who don't follow suit. It's not like I sat around planning my life all my life to be single. This wasn't MY idea. But to be frank, I'd rather be alone and childless, than in a marriage where I only got married to keep from being single. I'd rather be single forever than with someone who is ashamed of the way I look- because friend, no matter how hard I try, it's not going anywhere. And *if* miracles happen and I find someone who is as silly as me and can put up with my occasionally irrational behavior, he's going to know better than to make stupid ass comments like the one you made today. Even when he's 80

Friendly Persuasion

I'm almost afraid to say this- things in my life are actually starting to look up a little! (I HOPE I didn't just jinx myself!)

For the last two years I've been whining and complaining that I don't have any friends- that I don't have a life. Finally FINALLY I'm starting to get one! Woohoo! I'm not surrounded by dozens like I was in Idaho and Colorado- but for now- a few friends at a time, I'll take it.

I reflected back on the other changes in my life and how long it took me to adjust to things. When I was 21 I moved to Provo, Ut. I was friends with my roommates, but not hang-out-go-clubbing-with-them friends. It was probably 6 or so months (after we got booted from our first apartment- that's a funny story I'll have to tell someday) before I started to make my own friends. Up till then I'd kind of relied on them for friends.

When I got home from my mission all my friends were married and having babies so I kinda had to start over. Again, it was almost a year before I made friends. That time I had school and an awesome singles ward to help me out- but I had the awkward Returned Missionary mentality for a while.

When I moved to Colorado, I moved in with a friend who'd already lived there for a while, but she hadn't met many people so I couldn't join her group of friends already in progress. It took me a full 8 months before I really got to know anyone in the ward there- and I owe it all to volleyball! Volleyball saved my life in Colorado. Seriously.

And now- moving here nearly two years ago, it's taken me longer than I thought it would, but I'm finally getting comfortable calling people and setting up lunch or dinner dates. I even went to a movie with a friend a couple of weeks ago! I didn't have to go alone! How awesome is that?! I'm being exposed to other cultures, religions and foods and rather enjoying that. Everyone is so different it's really fun.

Everyone is always so surprised that it takes me so long to make friends. Yes- I'm a friendly person (mostly- don't tell the boys at work that, they'd never believe you), but I'm also very reserved at first. I don't like making false friends and I'd much rather have quality over quantity. I'm very choosy about who I spend my time around.

I think that if ever I get to have my own place, it will move along even faster because I'll feel more comfortable inviting people over and organizing game nights and stuff. Ya know? I like to host parties- but you can't host when you don't have anyone to invite- or a place to invite them to. But someday. It's getting nearer and nearer every day. I hope. There's some big things happening this week- so keep your fingers crossed. I'll let you know if it's good news- because I just don't think I could bear to report the bad.