Thursday, January 31, 2013

The Forbidden List

I once had a Stake President who told us not to make "wish lists" for what we wanted in a future companion. So, I tore up all the lists that my Young Women's leaders had told me to write during my Personal Progress years, and since then, I've tried really hard not to make lists. But let's be real. We all have lists. With every inch of sincerity I possess- I hope that all of you dear readers found someone who fulfilled- or even exceeded your list.  As I get older, my list gets more and more detailed and specific. I don't have any real dating experience, but I've been around my friend's and families marriages to know what I do and don't want. If you have a high opinion of me (snrfff) and don't want to lose that- you maaaaaaay want to stop reading, because the rest of this post will reveal what a shallow snob I am.

The absolute musts
  • He must be an active, temple attending member of the LDS church. There was a time when I thought- "naaaah... I could be with someone who is a member of a different faith" but I've seen too many marriages on the rocks because of that very fundamental lifestyle choice (yes- being Mormon is a lifestyle choice- not just a faith base). True- not every member of the LDS church is amazing. I've met some real crap-heads, trust me. My own grandfather was a child molesting son of a... well... anyway, I am just trying to illustrate that I am not holding LDS people above member of other faiths. There are jerks in every church. I have met some absolutely amazing Muslims, Buddhists, Agnostics, Atheists, Jewish, Hindus and "traditional" Christians- but again- being LDS is a lifestyle, not just a faith and I want someone who lives the same lifestyle.
  • He must have a job. A good job. An actual career. Especially at this time in life. None of this, "my husband can't keep a job" or "he is starting his career over again at 35 and again at 38 and one more time at 40." Just... No. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy. I don't mind working. In fact, I'd kind of like to because I don't think I have the attention span to be a housewife, but I don't want to be the bread-winner.
  • He has to be educated. I need someone I feel I am on an equal footing with. Not that I'm exceptionally gifted in the brain department- but sometimes I really feel like I have to dumb down my conversation. I get made fun of for my vocabulary all the time- people think I'm pretentious- when really, I'm just the kind of person who knows the meaning of words and puts them to proper use.
  • He absolutely has to be tolerant of my obsessions. It would be nice if he shared them- but I'm ok if he doesn't share my love of Doctor Who and Harry Potter. But I can't handle being mocked because of the silly things that I like.
  • He has to love Disney. It is part of who I am. It's part of my past, present and future. He doesn't have to be able to challenge me at Disney Trivia- but he has to be accepting of the fact that I'm the kind of person who cries when she goes to Disneyland because it's just so magical and my happy place. He can't roll his eyes when I go to the theater and cry at the end of movies like Tangled and Toy Story (and at the beginning of movies like Up).
  • He HAS to be clean. I mean- he showers regularly- and wears clean, well fitting clothes. He knows how to dress- I'm not talking name brand trendy spend a zillion dollars on a tee shirt kind- but there are so many guys out there who just stink- and don't care what they look like, who wear dumpy raggedy clothes. My mythological man cares what he looks- and smells like.
Things that are negotiable
  • It would be really nice if he was from the UK. First of all- the accents there are dead sexy. And it would be even better if he was from Scotland- because otherwise my tartan wedding where the men are wearing kilts (oh, hell yes they will be wearing kilts) might get awkward. So it really would be better for everyone if he was already from there and kilt wearing and bagpipes in the background didn't raise eyebrows.
  • It would be nice if he was taller than me. I already feel like a monster, I would like someone who makes me feel feminine, and towering over your man... well... it may work for some- but it makes me feel even more like a beast.
  • It would be nice if he could sing- or play the piano- or a combination of the two.
  • I would be quite pleased if he was a romantic. I'm not talking the poem spouting, constantly hovering kind- in fact, that bugs me. "I'm not a girl for sentimental tripe, I never go for the Romeo type" [ten points to the person who can tell me what movie that song is from], but if he could remember things that I like and somehow work them in to special occasions... I dunno... maybe that kind of guy only exists in books.
  • I would prefer a man who likes to travel. I want to see the world- and I intend upon doing so. It would be nice if he came with me.
  • If he liked cats I wouldn't be at all sad. I've never had a dog. I could probably do a dog- but I really do like cats. But this isn't required because lately I've just seen pets as one more thing to be sad about when they die/leave me. Plus they kind of stink and make a mess and ruin furniture... ok, nevermind. Forget I even mentioned animals. If he wants a fish, he can have one- as long as he cleans the tank.
  • I hope and pray that his family is normal. My number one reason for being glad I'm single is the fact that I don't have in-laws. I hear absolute horror stories from almost all my friends. Ugh... not looking forward to that. Not even a little. But- even if his family is nuts-o, I can't hold it against him if he really is the one for me. Just like he can't hold it against me that my family is uhhh... well... like me.
  • It would be nice if he looked like/was Richard Armitage (ok, not really- but I'm just throwin' the idea out there- you know, just in case).
So if you know anyone who fits this description, send him my way.

And when you do find him, tell him to bring his pet unicorn and we'll go for a ride over the rainbow to visit the leprechauns in Narnia.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Minnie Party

So- Even though I have a big mouth- Melanie still never caught onto the party (either that, or she totally knew about it but was trying to spare my feelings).

Earlier in the day, I took Kim to get her hairs did. I got mine done at the same time. Mine was only a root touch up and then I had her straighten it- nothing exciting- but Kim? Wow. She had hers thinned out and colored in the trendy ombre style. The before and after pics are amazing.

(I'm not entirely sure why I look so weird in these pictures. Perhaps because the photographer [Melanie] is so much shorter..? and the before picture I was trying to look serious... but I just ended up looking like I'm trying not to ralph. OOOOOR it could be because I actually am weird looking- but I prefer to assume it's the first reason)

That night, I made my sisters go pick up pizza. I thought for sure this would tip Mel off- that we were getting her out of the house. I told her "I had some things to do" and she thought I just needed to do laundry or something.

My cousins and aunt helped me throw everything together really quickly. My aunt had made the cupcakes beforehand- but I hurried and made the frosting and decorated them. Pinky set the table and Squeak decorated the walls and put together my new cupcake stand.

On Facetime, I called my sister in law in Boise. She wanted to be in on the party too. As we waited for Mel to come back in, everyone put on their Mouse ear hats. Even JaNeil and Donaven put their ears on so they could be part of it too. I held my iPad up so she could see when Mel came through the door (hence, no pictures of the actual surprise).

Mel was very surprised and we at lots of pizza and cupcakes and opened presents (this year's theme was Disney Villains) and after everyone of school age and their parent or guardian left/went to bed, we played games all night.  

It seriously was such a fun weekend. Today was back to reality. In the next four weeks I have one full day off- and it's a Sunday (which means it's not reeeeally a day off because I have get to wake up and go to church). So by about day nine, if you want to come anywhere near me- you'd better be holding a baby animal and/or a box of thin mints to distract me.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Failed attempts

Today my sisters and I tried to get into a movie playing for the Sundance Film Festival. We've been waiting for this movie for two years! It's called Austenland, based on a book by Shannon Hale. It's a freaking hilarious book- and an Austen-adict must! (especially if no man will ever live up to your idea of Mr. Darcy). Anyway, due to a slow start today (coughKimcough), we weren't able to get into the movie. They only give out 100 standby tickets and by the time we got there, there were at least 150 people in line.  We were all pretty sad- but comforted by the fact that Sony bought the rights to the movie and it will probably be released later this year- and if nothing else, will make it to video.

So, instead of going to the movie we planned on- we walked downtown to the Planetarium. Umm.. it's cold outside. There is snow on the ground. And I forgot to bring the blanket I promised my sometimes-wheelchair bound sister. Idiot! (if I knew of a way to attach that to a clip of Napoleon Dynamite saying that- I'd totally do it) We watched an interesting yet short film in the Dome theater, took Trax to the city center and consoled ourselves at the Disney Store.

Melanie's birthday is coming up. Not living near home, I miss out on a lot of birthdays. So today- I decided to throw her a birthday party while she's here. I went to the store this morning while they were getting ready and bought a ton of stuff for a birthday party. (Mel doesn't read my blog so I can say this pre-party) and swore everyone to secrecy; my aunt, my six year old cousin- everyone.

At the Disney store I bought a bunch of stuff to give Melanie- only to turn around and find out that she was in fact planning on purchasing all the same items. So I had to tell her I bought it for her. What I didn't have to tell her- was that I was going to wrap them up and give them to her so act surprised when I do. Baaaaasically giving away the fact that I'm throwing her a party. Idiot! I am usually so tight lipped about surprises- that even Kim was shocked when those words tumbled out of my big, fat gob.

After our sojourn downtown, we came back home and just lounged about having an electronic device party. Kim was on her Galaxy, Mel on my laptop and I on my iPad- spending time together- but not really. Anyway, my sister-in-law and her boys called us on Facetime. So all sitting on my bed, we huddled together to all be seen in the picture at the same time.

AAAAAAAand that's when the bed frame broke.

I hope tomorrow when I wake up-  my brain wakes up with me.

Thursday, January 24, 2013


Dear Co-workers,

Sorry I've been a grouch this week. If you'd do everything MY way I wouldn't get so frustrated with you.

Dear Work,

I'm feeling a little smothered. Let's break up for a weekend. I don't want to see you, talk about you or hear about/from you for four. whole. days.

Dear Ice Storm,

If you ruin my lovely weekend- I'll be really mad. I'll probably cry. And my crying is not a pretty sight. You don't want to do that to the world, do you?

Dear Sundance Film Festival,

I've been waiting for two years to see this movie. Why do you only have one showing of it (at a time when normal people who have actual jobs can go to it?) and then sell out the tickets a month in advance?

Dear BBC,

Why are your series only six episodes long? and why oh WHY haven't you started this year's installment of Sherlock? WHY????

Dear Richard Armitage,

This might get a little awkward, but would it be too much to ask you to be my first kiss? I'm royalty you know. Not only am I descended from William the Conqueror down through the line of John of Gaunt, I was at one time Queen of the V.L. club, but I am now Empress (remember my promotion?). I don't know if that really matters to you. I'm just trying to impress you so that the idea might appeal to you and  make me sound a little less pathetic... just a little?

No? Ok.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Don't flirt with the Anti-Flirt

I don't flirt. I don't know how to flirt. I used to be a champion flirt- then I turned 7 and everything went downhill from there. Lately I haven't met anyone I wanted to test my meager skills on anyway.

I can't remember who I was talking to the other day- a friend- a coworker- about my lack of flirting skills- and my even bigger lack of realization of when I'm being flirted with. No one flirts with me. Seriously. I honestly don't think men flirt with me. Sure, they're nice- but that is not flirting. My friend said that they probably are flirting- but I'm just too stupid to realize it. I don't think so. Seriously.

Today though- I was flirted with. So much so that it was unmistakable. My first impulse (which I subdued thankyouverymuch) was to ask which jokester paid him to ask for my number. He couldn't be serious. Right? I laughed it off the first time. He asked again. I changed the subject.

When I ran into him in the hall later, he asked again- he had his phone out and started to put in the area code- I started to give him the number for my work (I wasn't even going to give him my work number- just the number for the hospital operator) but he knew what I was about. "Seriously? You're not going to give me  your number?"

Sorry, friend. I don't just give out my number to random men just because they ask for it. I don't know you. I don't know if you're a crazed psychopath. Hopefully not- but you just never know. I actually felt bad telling him no. Right up until he used the phrase, "You're the only woman who's ever told me no."

You hit me in my weak spot. There is NO way you're getting my number now. If there is anything I've ever wanted to be less- it's just another tick on your scoreboard. Who do you think you are??? Sorry dude. No. Freaking. Way. I declined as politely as I could, thanked him for making my day and walked away.

But I can't lie. It made me feel good. All kind of giggly and stupid inside to know that someone noticed and repeatedly complimented my smile (thank you dentists of the world!) and wasn't repulsed by me.

He must have strong gag reflexes.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Beating the blues

Everyday I try to do something- to accomplish a goal- no matter how minor. Seriously, some days the best I can achieve is to get showered and dressed.

This weekend I *had* to at least get out of the house once because my dear friend Jessica came to town and I had lunch with her and her husband. I figured while I was out I'd go to the store. In all I think I was out for about two hours. I came home and hid in my room the rest of the day.

I also cleaned my room. Like put-boxes-away-that-have-been-sitting-out-since-I-moved-in-a-year-and-a-half-ago type of cleaning. And I did ALL my laundry so I did actually accomplish some things.

Sunday I made myself go to church even though my ward is not my favorite. My other dear friend, Ryan flew in from Florida so he stopped by to visit for a while. That was lovely of course- but I did not go outside again for the rest of the day.

[Except around 11 pm. I was blowing bubbles in the front yard. That's not strange is it? A 35 year old overgrown child wearing a coat and blowing bubbles in the middle of winter? I was trying to make the crystallize and freeze. I've never seen it for reals and I wanted to try- but alas- as cold as it is- it was not cold enough.]

I'm turning into a hermit. I'm like Peg Bowen from Avonlea. The crazy lady who lives alone and keeps to herself- she's nice enough- but still a little scary (only I don't even get the dignity of saying I live alone). That's me. I'm still a pretty nice person- but I'm pretty sure I scare people when I go out in public.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

It's not too much to ask

Every day this week I've tried to think of something to write about.

I even tried a blog prompt.

Nothing is interesting to me.

I just want to stare at grey walls and not talk to anyone.

I'm not sad. Just antisocial.

I want sunshine.

I want rain.

I want someone to have a crush on.

I want to be left alone.

I want life to be like it is in the movies (not Les Miserables).

I want to be normal.

I want to be happy- not just content to exist.

I want to lay down at night and stay asleep till morning.

I want to have entertaining dreams to tell my friends about.

but most of all

I want my nose to stop running.

ps. this is not meant to be a poem or anything profound. I just wanted it to look more impressive than it actually is.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Geeking Out

My friend posted this picture today on Facebook.

From a fan. Simon Pegg puts "geekdom" in proper perspective.

I love it. Seriously.

You have no idea how long I've struggled with my inner geek. I've allowed it to surface more and more in the last few years- but for some reason I've always felt I needed to be ashamed of my geeky side. 

Well- I'm coming out of the geek closet. I am a geek. A super geek. I don't dress up. I don't speak Klingon or Elvish- but I just think it's all fun. I wouldn't be opposed to paying a subtle tribute to a Tardis in my furniture or some other nod to geekery.

I'm the kind of geek who goes to Star Trek conventions (I've been to FIVE of them) [I actually had someone use this against me trying to convince a guy not to want to hang out with me]. I LOVE Star Trek. I've seen every episode of The Next Generation at least a dozen times (each). I like the original series- but I haven't seen all of those- and Deep Space Nine and Voyager got a little soap opera-y for me so I stopped watching them- but I love TNG. I've never even seen Enterprise. So I guess one can't call me a truuuuue fan- but still. I know the names of the episodes, most of the guest stars- all of the story lines- and even then I've lost a lot of my trivia knowledge over the years because of hiding the fact that I like it.

I've waited in line for TEN hours to see The Phantom Menace. Of course, I didn't like it- but still, I waited. I acted so put out and annoyed with my sister who asked me to wait with her. But to be honest, I had a great time. We rolled out a blanket and sat in the theater parking lot. We had food and games and entertained ourselves all day. When they finally started to sell tickets, they sold out three people ahead of us. ARGH! This was back in the day when it only debuted in one theater instead of the whole building. But they kindly consented to do a second showing sometime around two a.m. I didn't get home till five (that might be partly why I didn't like the movie). At least they let us spend the last few hours in theater seats instead of sitting outside.

I love Doctor Who. I know I know, I'm new to it. I'm one of those irritating band wagon Americans who is just now getting into it (I HATE that. I hate being a band waggoner). But I can't help it. It's just so awesome. But I am trying to learn all about it- to be a true fan- not just a fair weather friend. Netflix finally put some of the past seasons on so now I can watch them. Nine is still my fave- but I'm willing to give the earlier blokes a go.

I like Twilight. Whew! There. I said it. It's been getting a lot of hate the last few years- but I like it. It has it's issues of course- but people are always so critical of fluff because they're angry they didn't come up with it themselves. I don't like it because I wish it was my life- I like it because it's so far from real life that I can enjoy it. I read to escape- not live reality.  I've even been to Forks. I have a Forks sweatshirt- and a Breaking Dawn T-shirt. My friend Lisa and I went to every midnight movie release (save the final movie) together. But we were more than just bystanders in line- we were the entertainment! We always played trivia while we were waiting, and a lot of times got the people around us involved.

I like books about dragons. I know there are a lot more out there that I need to read. But my favorite-ist books in the whole wide world are the Enchanted Forest Chronicles (Dealing with Dragons, Talking to Dragons, Calling on Dragons, Searching for Dragons [not in that order]) and the Dragon Slippers series. Again- I read to escape real life.

Which brings us to Narnia and Middle Earth. I love CS Lewis- and I love Tolkien (I had a hard time reading those though- I can't lie. I have to stick with the movies when it comes to Hobbits). I love Harry Potter. I have read every book several times (but listening to them really is the way to go. You can't beat Jim Dale). In fact... it might be time to get those from the library again. (gift hint- I'd LOVE to own them)

I am a HUGE Brit Lit fan. In fact, when I went to school in England, one of my professors had us write a list of all the books we'd read (for school or pleasure) during our college careers. Her comment to me? "You need to add more contemporary- and probably less British- authors to your list." This coming from a British Literature Professor. But I love it. I geek out over it. I would visit Austenland if it existed (which by the way, is another totally awesome book that is being made into a movie and showing at Sundance this year that I really REALLY want to go to).

I love movies. There are some who can sit and watch sporting events for hours and DAYS. I like sports. Don't get me wrong, I like a good game as much as the next former jock turned closet geek (That's a lie- I was never really a jock- I just played a few sports in my day and didn't entirely suck at it) but I would rather spend my time these days watching movies. I collect them (sort of) and watch them when I have free time (which lately has been a lot).

I like all kinds of movies-chick flix, blow stuff up flix, bawl baby flix, but  I especially love musicals. I have Oklahoma so memorized- that I can tell the difference between the two movies they made. Did you know they made two? Yup. They did. They shot one with a regular camera and another in the "new" CinemaScope. I don't like the one in CinemaScope. It bugs me. I grew up on the regular one and so now when I see the CS one, I can see the differences in their facial expressions- and the inflections in the dialogue. It drives me bananas that they're saying it all wrong!

My favorite of all is Brigadoon. Mostly because they sing about the Heather on the Hill- and it's set in Scotland which naturally means it has lots of bagpipes. :) When I went to Scotland, my soul mission was to find a place where I could walk through the heather and sing that song to myself.

Another pilgrimage I would DIE to make is going to Salzburg where they filmed the Sound of Music. How awesome would that be? They do a tour. I'd totally take that tour. I find myself dancing when I'm alone on elevators (thanks to Thoroughly Modern Millie) and singing about State Fairs whenever I grate cheese.
I love anything Disney. I almost always win when I play Disney trivia (I've only ever lost to my sister). I'm talking serious geeky trivia like What is Mickey Mouse's birthday? What was the first cartoon featuring Donald Duck? My friend Melissa and I used to do a talent every year at the ward talent show called Stump the Chump. Between the two of us there is not one Disney movie we can't sing a song from (with all the straight to video stuff these days I can't really boast that anymore).

My geekiness runs the gammit. I'm a geek about everything. I find something I love and obsess over it until everyone around me is sick to death of the very utterance.

But I'm not going to feel badly about it anymore. I am a geek. And proud of it!
How hilarious is it that not TWO seconds after I posted this- I popped in an episode of Frasier  called "The Show Must Go Off" and the opening scene is Frasier and Roz walking through a science fiction convention and talking to a Klingon- and making fun of it. See- we geeks have it hard. People just don't get it.