Saturday, October 24, 2009


I am a jerk. I take out my anger and frustration on people who are just trying to help.

I hate looking for jobs. I have no idea what I want to do. I'm 32 years old for crying out loud. I don't want a job- I want a career. The thing is, I don't know what the hell I want to do. Most kids (I imagine) have some idea of what they want to be when they grow up. Me? Well, The thing I wanted didn't require a college degree so I never planned on going to school. I never set "career" goals for myself. I never aspired to be anything more than what I wanted.

I feel kind of lied to. We grow up with the romantic- yet fictional- notion that if you are a good girl, then someone will fall in love with you- and take care of you while you take care of your children.


No one ever told me that might not be the case- that I should have a back up plan. I've been a "good girl" to the point of never having really lived. I took the safe road- the "good" road. Now I am sick of working at jobs that I don't give a rat's ass about- I'm not good at- and that don't challenge me or allow me to use my talents. But I don't know what I want to do. I don't have the experience to get into anything that sounds appealing to me. I am only experienced in areas I loathe- retail- banking- blech.

And when people tell me "Well, either way, you need to get a job. Money is running out you know." Believe me, I know. Do you not understand that I can get a job if I want. I'm sure there are lots of places I can get a dead end job I don't care about. But that's not what I want and it doesn't make things easier that I don't know what I'm looking for.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Chin Up

So, have you ever had the feeling that your life is slowly falling apart? Yeah, I'm going through that right now, but I'm tired of being down in the dumps- so it's time for a list of things that make me happy, happy, happy!

I love that...

  • two of my sisters and one niece are flying through the air as we speak to come visit me!
  • I get to go to Wicked tonight!
  • I have really, Really good seats!
  • we're all wearing green to the show!
  • I come from a weird family where things like wearing green to see Wicked is cool.
  • I have a strange subconscious that conjures the strangest dreams to entertain me.
  • reading makes me so happy.
  • other authors can create the most romantic characters for me to fall in love with (who needs a real man when I have Mr Rochester?).
  • my friends make me laugh till I cry.
  • I can live married life vicariously through them and know what I'm missing (and not).
  • the sun is shining and the sky is blue and the trees are all different colors.
  • the library is quite at the moment.
  • my sister just sent me a text to tell me they've landed and I get to go pick them up now!
WOO HOO!!! Life is good! Life is GREAT! and I can get through the mire! I can do it! I can!!!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Zing Zang Zoom

32. Ugh. I'm thirty-two. It's such a hideous number, but no where near as traumatic as the big three-oh, and that year turned out pretty awesome. 31 kinda... well... sucked, but 32, all two days of it now, is going to be great. I feel it in my bones. Hmmm... what do I know? My bones are buried so deep beneath all these stored up birthday cakes I can hardly tell I've even got bones.
I will say though, that my friends and family are quite wonderful. While visiting my family in Idaho, they all gathered before I left, had a great barbecue and celebrated my birthday with brownies and ice cream (and pie, French Silk pie- the one thing that makes my birthday complete).

Friday, back in Aurora and reality, my friend Desiree came and picked me up. She said we were going out but would not tell me anything about it. We picked up Kettie and she drove me to a part of town I'm not familiar with. As we turned to the Denver Colosseum, I saw trucks for Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus. I got very stupid and giggly when I found out that's where we were headed.

32 years of life and I'd never been to a circus.

We wandered around and looked at the animals that were outside, when we went inside to watch the side shows and get autographs (Des's idea- not mine. In fact, I made Kettie get them for me) I felt someone pinch my fanny. I turned around to glare at the fingered beast- and saw a big group of my friends! They had all planned to come and no one told me! What a super fun surprise!

The circus was good. I liked the Elephants and the Tigers. They're really just big kitties. I wanted to take one home. I have to say though- I was a little tired of they're theme song "Do Not Try This at Home." Sad that there are people in the world actually stupid enough that they feel they have to make up a song about it.

The Would-Be-Rebound-Crush was there... and reminded me why I steer clear of him. Every once in a while I need to be reminded because I tend to forget when people hurt me and start liking them all over again. It's a very annoying trait of mine. After the circus we all went to dinner. We were supposed to be going out for pie- but we all ate real food instead and never actually got to the pie. Oh well.

Saturday night a few of us gathered at Desiree's to play games and eat cake and ice cream. I got a very unexpected present from a very unexpected family. It was so nice of them to think of me. It was so incredibly thoughtful. Sunday I got to open on more gift... it was just the birthday that wouldn't quit! It was great!

So even though 32 is not the most attractive number, I'm going to do everything I can to associate it with good things. I'm going to make this a good year and by golly, I'm going to be happy. I shouldn't have to worry again till... 35.